Tayuya! Mail Order BrideMaid!
by Angelslasttear
Summary: Orochimaru and others wussed out instead of invading the leaf village during Chuunin. Now they are in debt, and Tayuya is as mean as ever, so they make the decision to sell her off as a mail order bride? Akatsuki needs a maid? TayuyaHidan Ch19 up
1. Really, Really Bad Ideas

**_A/N- I edited this a lot. _ eh just felt like it.  
**

**I do not own Naruto**

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**Chapter 1- Really, Really Bad Ideas**

Kabuto grimaced in horror as his eyes lay upon the bill before him. He stared ever so darkly at the bright and pretty bold letters underlined at the bottom that read off only as:

**Total fee- $9873498754091875.98**

"Oh Hell," Kabuto moaned, he glanced over to his boss, "Lord Orochimaru, have you seen this thing?" Orochimaru looked up, and gave a glance to Kabuto signaling he wasn't getting out of his chair for some retarded bill. After all he'd been plastered to it for three years last week. To that very day he was still denying the fact that he had gained a grandiose total of two-hundred and forty-eight pounds, over the years, which seemed to get only more and more stressful since Tayuya started proclaiming that it was his own fault for wasting his life doing nothing other than constantly eating Pringles and watching reruns of Reno 911. That soon led to a very long and bitter bickering contest which changed subject every few minutes it seemed to go on. To tell the truth it didn't end until around two that morning when Lord Orochimaru (Ironically) started choking on his Pringles, Though Tayuya just found that even more amusing.

Orochimaru slammed his fist on the side of his now permanent throne. "Damn it! I knew we should have invaded Konoha three years ago!"

Kabuto heaved a short sigh, here the snake bastard went with the past regret declarations again. He rolled his eyes. "Yes, Lord Orochimaru, we all get it, but explain how were supposed to get rid of this debt?"

Kidoumaru stepped behind Kabuto to examine the bill. He whistled in response. "It says in two days' they're going to take our furniture away…"

"Well, fuck..." Tayuya muttered in reply.

"HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO GET THAT MONEY IN TWO DAYS, KABUTO?!" Orochimaru roared

"Well I don't know!"

"A bake sale!" Jirobo demanded, however he was completely ignored.

"Lets sell Ukon." Sakon offered. His brothers head turned over from his back swiftly.

"What?! You're my brother!" Ukon retorted.

"Yes, but you're possessive."

"I'm part of your body!"

"Exactly my point," Sakon smirked, "I need some space."

"You're an asshole, Sakon."

"I hate you, Ukon."

Everyone just forced themselves to move away from that situation.

"We could sell my bones..." Kimimaru muttered, causing a creepy air to flow across the room, so in fear they moved on, facing Sasuke.

"Sasuke,"

One might wonder why Sasuke was here. You see, aside from wanting to kill Itachi, Sasuke has a horrible terrible weakness. He never heard of never take candy from strangers, especially if the wrapper reads:

**FAKE CHOCOLATE BAR!**

**KNOCK OUT THAT KID YOU'RE ABDUCTING IN LESS THAN 18 SECONDS!**

So here he was now, bit too late to go back.

He sighed. "And that's when he said, foolish little brother, you are weak, and why are you weak? Because you lack PRESENTS! Then he jumped out the window laughing like a lunatic. Killed that entire Christmas...he stole my girlfriend and my presents, and the eggnog. That's why my life is so dark, you know? I really want to kill that guy."

Silence, Silence overtook them from that. Orochimaru shook his head. "Okay, that had nothing to do with anything...um...No more requests from Sasuke..."

They looked at Tayuya, whom glared back at them. "Why the fuck do you think I would know?"

Stare.

"STOP THAT YOU FUCKING FREAKS!"

"Hey, I'm not a freak!" Kidoumaru protested, only causing everyone to turn.

"Kidoumaru, you have _SIX_ arms." Tayuya protested.

"Well you don't have to be so mean about it Tayuya..."

"Jirobo is a fat ass, Kimimaru has a bone obsession, and Sakon and Ukon somehow manage to have a fucking sibling rivalry from INSIDE the same fucking body. Oh by the way, anyone notice our leader is one of the biggest _DUMBASSES_ on this show?"

There was much silence until Kabuto raised his hand. "Tayuya, you forgot me."

"OH! Sorry about that...ummmmm...you look...like a...nerd?"

"Thank you, I will get angry now."

She watched as their faces twisted into angry glares, and she stepped back, acknowledging what kind of trouble she was in. She then exited the room with a simple utterance of: "I have to get out of this rundown hellhole…"

"What a bitch..." Kidoumaru muttered.

"I'm not fat am I?" Jirobo frowned, tearing up.

"...What is wrong with bones?"

"He's such a jerk, the last time I ran into him, He pretended to trip and spill Kool-aid all over my favorite shirt. Then he pledged to make it up to me by cleaning my laundry, told me to bring the detergent, and when I came back, his clothes were there and he had left a note saying to do big brother a favor and wash his clothes and then I.."

"WILL YOU STOP BITCHING?!" Orochimaru shouted at Sasuke, who silenced immediately. "I have a plan to get rid of little bitchy Tayuya..."

Everyone leaned forward.

"KABUTO! BRING ME THE DAMN PHONE!"

"You know, Orochimaru, it would be good for you to get up after all these years..."

"SHUTUP KABUTO! BESIDES, IT'S PART OF MY BODY NOW!"

Kabuto sighed. Why even bother. He tossed Orochimaru his cell phone. Then Orochimaru dialed the numbers he knew so well.

_**713-867-5309**_

"Hello, this is the evil Lord Orochimaru." He spoke into the cell phone. "I would like to place an ad in the paper."

There was a pause.

"Yes, yesss. For a mail order bride,"

Everyone chuckled; this had to be a joke. He was joking, Surely.

"Miss...Um..."

"Help me think of some exotic last name, you guys..." He held his hand over the talking part.

"Uhhh...Mango." Jirobo suggested, of course food.

"Lopee..." Kidoumaru said.

"Not a hick name, an EXOTIC name."

"Bones,"There was no doubt of the source of that request.

"Leveene."

"Ah, good Kabuto."

"Yes a Miss Tayuya Leveene."

"She is seventeen now."

"Mm-hm..."

"Yes, for the perverts, indeed, let's see..."

"Something really sexual sounding..."

"She'll last all night long..."

"That will do? Great!"

"Tomorrow morning, great, the price is, um $9873498754091875.98"

"Wow, that's cheap for them? GOOD!"

"A looks description...hmmm"

"Thin hot red-headed, great tan,"

"That's all?"

"Goodbye."

He hung up the phone, everyone stared at him.

"Man, Orochimaru..." Kidoumaru chuckled. "She is going to be pissed..."

"Please tell me that was a joke..." Kabuto muttered.

Orochimaru looked up with his fat piggy face, "Nope."


	2. Discoveries and Revenge Plots

**A/N- another edited chapter. YAY **

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**Chapter Two- Horrible discoveries and revenge plans.**

At the break of three in the afternoon, Tayuya wandered into the kitchen blankly and as clueless as ever. Her eyes underlined in black, showing the fact that she was still exhausted despite the fact the she slept through most of the day. She eyes Kidoumaru who was now sitting hin her usual chair, stirring up remains of his cereal. She swerved in next to him, glaring needles.

"What?"

"UP. NOW KIDOMARU."

He etched out of the seat and exchanged with her. Her head pointed up victoriously.

"That's more like it." She chuckled. "So, nice fucking morning, eh Spiderman?"

"Tell me about it." He chuckled evilly, though Tayuya could not understand the hidden meaning in that sinister laugh. It went on for a tad too long for her tastes, and she raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell are you fucking laughing at Kidoumaru?" She growled, letting Kidoumaru know that this was more of a demand then a question; he had to make up a quick excuse.

"N...nothing," He replied nervously. "J...Just a joke I heard the other day..."

"Tell me."

"Uh...um...you might not want to hear it..."

"That wasn't a question."

"Erm" He thought of the first joke he could think of. "Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because he was uh stapled to the chicken!"

There was a long pause.

"Kidoumaru, that's just fucking retarded..."

_Bitch..._

Kabuto walked into the kitchen casually, and moved over to the pantry immediately. As the door pulled open so came a sandstorm of dust towards the glasses-wearing medic ninja. He stopped and took a moment to clean off his glasses, and looked a bit over to the sitting Tayuya and Kidoumaru. He chuckled instantaneously.

"What the hell is your problem?"

"Just thinking of a joke..."

"What joke?"

He paused, and like Kidoumaru, said the first joke that came to mind. "Um...Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken!"

"Just shut the fuck up, Kabuto..."

She rolled her eyes. _Do ALL these morons think a fucking like?_

"HEY!" He shouted. "You asked."

He turned back to the pantry, sneaking out a few of Orochimaru's Pringles. He stuffed them into his mouth hastily. He looked down, and gasped. "Ojh my fughdin gohd."

"WHAT?!" Kidoumaru shouted, confused.

Kabuto swallowed. "Oh my god," He kneeled down, and upon grabbing something rose back up, facing everyone with a huge grin.

"HEY GUYS!" He shouted."WE GOT A RAT!"

Tayuya stared, and Kidoumaru mimicked that stare. Behold the great Kabuto, standing before them with a huge clown-like smile, all whilst holding a huge, dead, wet, black sewer rat by its tail. "Cool, huh?"

"Kabuto..." Tayuya started off slow. "Put...that fucking rat in the toilet, and flush it the hell out of my damn misery...before I use my flute...on your ass..."

Kabuto frowned at this. Maybe no one here got the mere joyous feel of dead things like he did. At that moment, Jirobo entered the room, in his hands, the chair in which Lord Orochimaru sat, as usual. Even Jirobo seemed to strain under the great weight of the fat-ass butt-ugly Lord Orochimaru. When he pulled the chair to the floor, the walls shook, and Tayuya had to dodge a rafter that fell from the roof. The place was going to collapse someday. The walls leaked water; they were infested with spiders, rats, and termites. Whatever the mind could think of lived in those god-forsaken walls.

Orochimaru looked over to Tayuya, and like everyone else had that morning, started laughing.

"WHAT NOW?!" She roared, getting sick of this.

"Ah, just a funny joke..." Lord Orochimaru chuckled. "Why did the dead baby cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken!"

She stared, blankly. _THREE TIMES_, as of now she had heard that nonsensical piece of shit joke _THREE TIMES_ in one day by a different person each time. These people...just couldn't be human.

"KABUTO, BRING ME MY NEWSPAPER!" Orochimaru shouted, and Kabuto, knowing Orochimaru so well these days, went to the pantry, and gave him a jar of Pringles and the paper at the same time.

The phone rang in the other room. There was a pause, as no one really wanted to get it. Tayuya sighed.

"Fine you lazy bastards I'll get it." She stormed out of the room, lifting up the phone in the main room.

"What?"

"Um...I'm looking for a miss...Tayuya?"

"Fucking speaking."

"_Good, good...myesss..."_

She stood there silently, and emotionless for a moment as the guy talked on over the phone. However in one instant her face warped into...well...one really pissed Tayuya. "WHAT THE HELL? MAIL-ORDER BRIDE?!" She shouted, hanging the phone up. She focused in her mind on who to blame for this stunt...the poor, poor, dead boy.

"KABUTO YAKUSHI, YOU GRAY-HAIRED PRICK!"

She dashed into the room, pointing at Kabuto angrily with that evil monkey from family guy look. Kimimaru had entered and sat down at the wrong time. Kabuto looked at Tayuya and a look of sheer terror came across his face. She didn't even notice he still had the rat in his hand.

"I sw...Swear...Kidoumaru is the one who put that camera in your room!"

"YOU PUT A CAMERA IN MY ROOM?!" She turned on Kidoumaru.

"IT WAS HIS IDEA! KABUTO LIES!"

"Now why would I do that?" Kabuto grinned.

"OKAY! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT SHIT! KABUTO YOU DID THIS ONE!"

"What'd I do?"

"PUTTING THAT FUCKING AD UP OUT OF SPITE THAT I WOULDN'T DATE YOU! THAT'S WHAT!"

And thus everyone understood perfectly who was just on the phone. And that somewhere in Tayuya's dark little mind, something had said. "Kill Kabuto and leave his mutilated corpse in a ditch." Kabuto however pointed elsewhere. "LORD OROCHIMARU DID THAT! IT WAS HIS IDEA, HE MADE THE CALL!" She turned to the fat, immobile snake man to her side.

"You fat-ass, sonuva.."

"BRRRRRRIIIIIING!" The phone rang again.

She turned. "I'll take care of it."

She stormed out, lifted the phone.

"DON'T CALL AGAIN YOU ASS!" And thus it was slammed back on the hanger.

Ring.

"I do have the mo.."

Hang up.

Ring.

"Will you fucking stop ha.."

Hang up.

Ring.

"WILL YOU STOP FUCKING CALLING BACK YOU PERVERTED BASTARD?!" She screamed into the phone. Loud enough for everyone in the other room to hear, and shudder, they're breakfasts were entirely ruined today. Half from Tayuya's freak-out, the other from the fact that Kabuto outright REFUSED to put the rat down.

There was silence on the other end of the phone; however it seems that perverts don't give up too easily.

"Are you still there?"

"Will you just go the fucking hell away?"

There was a rustling sound over the phone.

"Damned...fucking...speeches. Ah, no."

She rolled her eyes, great. She was on the phone with a guy trying to buy her which sounded like some creepy politician guy. A thought passed her mind. She could see an image of herself dressed up in some sort of short-skirted secretary outfit, filing papers for some creepy old guy. She could also see herself slipping in a nice, fat, bounty on Orochimaru and company. That would maybe be the only good thing. That and the money that Orochimaru would never see, then...it snapped. Without her, the Sound village would be practically half weakened. The only one who ever fought anymore was Kabuto; everyone else had completely let themselves go. Jirobo wasn't allowed to fight anymore, due to the fact that if he died, Orochimaru would be without possibility of movement. Ukon and Sakon didn't get along as well as they used to, cutting their abilities in half. Somewhere along the line, Kidoumaru had a "Traumatizing experience" With this wrestler, and had pledged never to fight again, Etcetera, Etcetera. Her face twisted into an evil grin. She could actually have some fun with this. All she had to do was sell herself off to this guy, collect the fee, make an excuse not to sleep with him, lay low for about...erm...a week, then slip a knife through him, and head home with an "I told you so." It was all too easy.

"Sir?" She lifted up the phone. "It's a deal."

"Alright,"

"Meet me at the sound village entrance in an hour, that's the huge junk heap of a building not too far from the leaf village."

"We'll be there."

She hung up the phone, and let out a vengeful chuckle. She then walked "Peacefully" into the kitchen, dodging a hole in the floor and a spider. This act was taken as the warning that somebody was about to die a horrible death. Kidoumaru gave a farewell salute to Kabuto who shivered, however Tayuya just took her regular seat instead.

"Tayuya, are you...feeling okay?" Kidoumaru asked. She chuckled, looked over to him and said with a smile:

"Why the fuck do you care, Spiderman?"

_Phew, that's a good sign._

"Oh, by the damn way..."

Orochimaru glanced up from his thing of Pringles.

"Kabuto go pack my crap. I'm leaving in an hour."

Jirobo spat out the drink he was drinking. "You're actually going through with it?"

"How...odd..." Kimimaru sighed. Not paying much attention.

"Why do I have to pack your stuff?"

"I'm willing to "Forget" that you and Kidoumaru installed that fucking camera in my room if you do."

"DONE!" He rushed out of the room.

-

-Meanwhile-

"Come on Deidara; just let me use the fucking bird! It was MY idea!" Hidan whined.

"If both of us leave do you KNOW how suspicious that looks, un?!"

"I don't give a shit!" Hidan shouted. "Tobi will cover for us!"

"Yeah, I wonder how long that will last, un."

"Just let me fucking come too Deidara!"

"FINE, JUST SHUTUP ALREADY, UN!"

"Thank god."


	3. I'm Not Quiet, I Just Hate You

A/N- WOOT CHAPTER #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEI-KUN! HIDA-KUN!!!!!! and poor kabuto!!!!

lol btw, I am having a serious character problem...lol a certain guy is causing problems for me...a Mr. Kabuto Yakushi. I CANNOT GET HIS CHARACTER RIGHT! AND IT DRIVES ME MAD!!!!!!!!TT I just read Tayuya vs Shika like eight times now...study study study, and I'm not even TRYING to get Orochi in character...why you ask? Because he's just so fun to torture.

DISSSYCLAIMER! I OWN NARUTO! fully named Nameless oblivious retard useless touchy oron-moron lol JUST KIDDING! I DONT OWN HIM! OR HIS SHOW!

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chapter three- I'm not quiet, I just hate you. 

"YAKUSHI! Will you move your lazy ass and hurry the hell up?!" Tayuya shouted angrily at the ever so slow moving Kabuto behind her, his arms, and his back covered with suprisingly, a shitload of luggage. Probably slowly breaking his arms. It really was a lot bigger than one would expect.

"Why can't you carry your own stuff?"

"I would have liked to force the gorge king Orochimaru to do it..." She grinned. "But you're a hell of a lot more fun to torture."

"Damn."

"Consider it punishment for being partly fucking responsible for this."

Kabuto moaned. "It was really only Lord Orochimaru..."

"What?"

"Nothing..."

He muttered curses under his breath. _Witch._ Well, it could be worse, he could be baby-sitting Sasuke right now, and THAT my friends, is torture. It had come to the point were he told himself that he would rather kill himself then listen to some story about how Itachi ruined Easter. He shuddered at every thought like that.

"HURRY THE HELL UP, KABUTO!"

"Fine...I'm coming...geez."He groaned in a very non-enthusiatic way. This story repeated itself until they reached the sound village gate. Kabuto threw down her luggage, gasping for air.

"My god Kabuto, be a fucking man."

He glared. His glasses gleamed. "You try keeping in shape after three years of ordering pizza and answering phones for a creepy ass snake."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell to someone who gives a damn, shithead."

_S...screw you. _He thought angrily, as her eyes rolled from annoyance in combination with her impatience.

Her foot tapped the ground. "When the hell is this guy going to GET here?!"

"Tayuya...we got here five seconds ago...you can't expect him to teleport here on your will..."

"THE HELL I CAN'T!"

Kabuto groaned. There was a long pause. She was getting more aggravated by the second, which was visible because her glare was constantly get stronger.

"FUCK!"

"Screaming curses into the air blindly isn't going to help."

"SHUT THE HELL UP SMART-ASS!" She turned on him. He just sighed. This was going to be a long wait. "It helps me, dipshit."

"Fine...fine...suit yourself."

"Ugh...My GOD!"

"Tayuya, do you even know what this guy looks like?"

"Um...no Kabuto...I can't exactly SEE over the damn telephone."

"You could ask for a description, smart-ass..."

"Screw you."

"And you're supposed to be smart..."

She tapped the ground harder. "My GOD WILL HE JUST..."

Bird...a really, big...bird...thing...She stared blankly until someone jumped off, a blonde-haired nin, her eyes widened in shock.

"O...M...F...G" She muttered, using the actual letters."I'm engaged to a fucking girl."

The blonde glared and groaned. "I'm...not a girl, un."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure I know my own sex, un."

"Oh...hoh..."

Kabuto looked over to them, and froze on the spot. _Holy...shit..._

"Uh...hey, Deidara, how's...it going?" He waved nervously. _Well this figures...Tayuya must be a curse or something. _"Long...time...no...see."

"Hm?" Deidara glanced over a bit. "Hey, Kabuto, un."

"HURRY THE HELL UP DEIDARA!"

"Oh...I see you..brought Hidan...too...eh..heh.."

"Yea, guess I did, un."

"Hey, Kabuto, you know this perverted ass?" Tayuya commented rather rudely. "Wow, how fucking Ironic, he's probably a wuss like you."

They both glared at her for that one. Kabuto coughed.

"You could say...we've...worked together."

"I'll just take the girl and go then, un."

"You mean you're not like, going to try and kill Orochimaru and me for like...betraying Akatsuki and all that?"

Deidara sighed. "Kabuto, I'm off duty, I don't have time to deal with that crap." He shook his head, "Plus I have to get back to HQ before that little runt bastard squeals on Hidan and I , un."

"By the way, how's Sasori?"

Deidara groaned. "He's picking flowers, making his puppets, and eating candy like a good evil child."

"Really?"

"No, he's dead, un."

"Wow, thats a shocker."

Deidara turned to the once again impatient Tayuya.

"You know...you aren't as pretty as we thought you were going to be, un."

"Screw you, transvestite."

"Well...whatever, let's go, un."

Kabuto raised a hand. "Deidara, one more question?"

"WHAT NOW?!"

"I hate it here, can I come?"

"No."

"I just don't want to be around when Jirobo starts talking about eating people again, I don't think he's talking about chakra anymore either..." He shivered.

"Wow...it really sucks to be you, Kabuto, un?"

"Yes...I know."

"Let's go already, Deirdre."

"Deidara."

"Whatever, shithead."

He growled lowly. Very unamused.

"FUCKING HURRY YOUR ASSES UP!"

"..." Deidara mumbled something unintelligible under his breath, which of course most likely ended with an un, as usual. He started to wonder if this "Tayuya" was some sort of Hidan female clone or something, and if Tobi squealed yet or not, if not, they should be in the clear...as long as Kakuzu didn't count his money.

"Can we get the hell outta this shithole now?!"

"Get on the damned bird, un."

"BOUT TIIME!"

She attempted slowly climbing onto the bird, however much it freaked her out when it absorbed her hand a bit. She pulled it out hastily. She stood up waving off the side. "HEEEEEEEEY KAAAABUTO!"

He glanced over. _Is this the part where she gets all out of character and screams I'll miss you or something?_

"LATER YOU GRAY-HAIRED, SHITHEAD!"  
_False alarm._

"WILL YOU LOWER YOUR DAMN VOICE?! THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE ON THIS THING!" Spoke the other man other than Deidara that was just now climbing up, this one had a bluish, silverish tint to his hair. She turned.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

"Deal with it, you whiny little bitch." She snarled. He turned to Deidara.

"Hey, Deidara, are you sure you got the right one?!"

Deidara nodded, but didn't say anything, he could already tell that this was going to be such a _wonderful_ trip. He rolled his eyes. _Compulsive curser number one, with constant complaining included. And Compulsive curser number two, in need of serious anger management, and overall, due to the ad...a total whore._

Kabuto sighed as they took off, then paused. _Feels like I'm forgetting something...something important...but..what is it...hmm. _He thought for a bit. Then it snapped. _Oh shit I forgot the money..._

He dragged his feet slowly. Kidomaru would be his replacement slave, because when he got back...Lord Orochimaru and Jirobo were going to eat him. Or kill him...whatever, either way he was going to die.

"Um...Deidre, I have a damn question."

"It's Dei...ah, never mind..."

Tayuya chuckled victoriously. "Which one of you shitheads do I have to marry?"

Hidan laughed. "As if anyone would want to marry YOU. You're just gonna be a maid." He spat out, a tad bit too loud. "I just met you two minutes ago and I can tell you're a bitch...besides, you're not even that pretty."

"You really have a way with women, Hidan.Un,"

"What's your name?" She asked, eyes slanted.

"Hidan, why?"

"I just like to theirs before."

"Before what?"

"SO IM A BITCH AM I?!" She roared out of nowhere. "Maybe you should could consider your own damn looks before mine as well, you WHINY ASS, HOMELY BITCH OF A SHITHEAD!"

"Wow, such language, un."

"HAH! AS FUCKING IF! YOU'RE TEN KADDRAUDMILLION TIMES MORE UGLY THAN ME!"

"UGLY AND A DUMBASS! THAT ISN'T A REAL NUMBER, JACKASS!" Tayuya shouted back. This could go on for awhile. Deidara twitched, the nerve in the back of his neck followed. He was going to kill them both if this went on for much much longer.

"AT LEAST I DONT DYE MY HAIR!" Hidan shouted.

"OH, MY HAIR?! WHAT ABOUT YOUR'S?! I SUPPOSE IT TURNED BLUE ON IT'S FUCKING OWN?!"

"It's silver."

"It's blue."

"It's silver."

"ITS BLUE!"

"Silver!"

"Blue!"

"Sil..."

"Will you two PLEASE STOP YELLING?!?!?!?!?!?!" Deidara screamed, and there was silence for a bit.

"Geez, don't be so fucking loud, Deidara." Hidan mumbled. Deidara didn't respond loud enough for them to hear. There was a bit more silence. Tayuya etched over closer to Hidan, moved her mouth next to his ear.

"You either way, silver or blue, it's still dyed."  
He shoved her away from him.

"No yours is."

"No yours is."

"No yours is."

"No yours is."

"No yours is."

"Screw you."

"Likewise."

"Fuck you, shithead."

Deidara shivered. _Peace, quiet, tranquility, happy Deidara..._

_Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all._

The silence returned, for a moment, actually, for a few minutes even. Thus it was very much enjoyed by Deidara. _THANK YOU GOD! _However, Hidan can't keep his mouth shut for too long.

"Now you're fucking quiet?"

"I'm not quiet." She replied. "I just hate you."

She glared at him. "You shithead, bastard."

"THATS IT!" HIdan roared. "YOU'RE GOING OFF THE SIDE NOW!"

Deidara swerved to them. "WILL YOU PLEASE JUST"

Deidara's soon-to-be rant was ended abruptly when he almost crashed into a tree, which had resulted directly from him paying too much attention to Hidan and Tayuya's constant, never-ending bickering.

"HA!" Hidan chuckled, "You almost crashed us, dumbass."

"Like you could do any better, retard. un."

"Fine, I will."

"Only I can fly this thing, un." Deidara sighed. "You can't control clay, dumbass."

"OH YES I FUCKING CAN!"

"Hidan...don't be a moron." Deidara paused, realizing what he said was an impossibility for Hidan.

"Let the little baby play with the fucking bird, Deidre."

"IT'S..." He stopped. _It's Deidara...and what part of "You can't control clay" DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND?UN?_

Deidara wondered, mostly, overall, they probably just weren't listening. However, at that moment, Hidan had reached a new level of intelligence, and idiocy. Combined with bad stunts, and crazy ideas. jumped up, grabbing Deidara's arms, flinging him to the ground. He pushed his foot on his back so Deidara couldn't get back up. Tayuya's eyes filled with shock.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" She shouted.

"Trying to steer, bitch."

"Get...off...me...un." Deidara growled. "There's an ART to driving these things.."

"Blah, blah, blah, it's always an "art" with you Deidara." Hidan mumbled. Yet somehow, in this parallel mixed up place...it worked? However with one very "minor" flaw. That being that Hidan never took giant clay bird driving school, thus sending them out of control, and taking a detour through a forest.

Tayuya stared. "FUCKING DUMBASS LUNATIC!"

She hurled, Hidan turned. "Hey It's Deidara's fault."

"HOW IS THIS MY FAULT? UN?!" Deidara roared. "WHO'S FOOT IS ON MY BACK RIGHT NOW, UN?!"

Deidara managed to wring free of Hidan, pulling his arms away he pushed him aside.

"Don't you ever...ever..."

"Tree."

"What?"

Bam. And with that, even more hell went loose.

"Um...jackass..." Tayuya muttered. "The blonde transvestite's unconscious."

Hidan paused, and the clay bird kept flying on it's own, out of control. Overall, this is what you'd call a mild Hidan screw-up moment.

"Um...Deidara...wake up...you lazy fuck.." He pushed Deidara a bit. "COME ON!" He went over board and started punching him in the face.

"You're going to give him brain damage, idiot!"

Hidan mumbled and looked ahead.

"Hey, that's HQ!"

"What?!"

Boom. Thus they crashed right through the damn wall. Clay was everywhere, Tayuya looked up from where she had brutally landed, barely conscious, she saw someone. She thought it was Sasuke.

"Oh, hey, Emo prick, how's it going?" She mumbled in a delirious voice."Why the fuck are you here Sasuke, you're not going to talk about Itachi again, are you?"

Pause.

"Bitch...get off me." Hidan growled, shoving her off him.

"Oh...hey...you."

He looked up. "Oh...hi Itachi...How's it going?" He shivered, realizing they had crashed throught the wrongest of wrong places. Itachi glared down at him.

"Explanation. Now."

"Eh...heheheheheheeee...oh Fuck."

* * *

A/N- WOOT! Chapter 3 completed! YOZORO O MIAGE HITORI! 

and of course!

my victory song.

Yahoo watashi wa ato mai!


	4. More than one excuse and lie

A/N- Hi folks im not going to be updating till Xmas so i have to get this up before weds. lol Well, its timefor my never-ending quarrel with Kabuto's character. Imgonna try.

Dissy- I dont own Naruto, tell me, is that so hard to believe that i have to write one of these every chapter?

* * *

chapter four- More than one deal or excuse. 

Kabuto paused as he reached the front door, knowing what lied waiting for him on the other side. There was only one hope. The old Kabuto had to come back. For you see, no missions, and constant twenty-four hour no-paying Orochimaru slave service, entirely kills a persons will to do anything, and Kabuto had long ago lost any hope of ever having to be sneaky again, exept for when one would need to get a snack while Jirobo was in the vicinity.

_Okay...what I need is some sort of flashback...hmm...let's see._

Pause. Even more pause.

_"I mean, you've always been after my position, haven't you Yoroi?"_

_Heh, that'll do._

Good old Yoroi. Everyone kind of felt bad about torturing him over his hideous face after he died of that bout with AIDS...hey, who knew STD's could be carried through chakra? Well...apparantly not Yoroi.

He opened the door, and everyone was already staring at him, wide-eyed, he assumed they must have been thinking, "_Please let him have the money so we don't lose the TV."_

"Well?!" Orochimaru growled at him from his chair.

Kabuto grinned. "I'm sorry but I don't have the money."

Insert psycho music here. Because that would be playing at the moment as the residents of the sound village's eyes nearly popped out of their heads.

"YOU FORGOT THE MONEY?!" Orochimaru roared Kabuto shook his head. _Now time for a nice white lie..._

"No, I didn't forget the money."

"...okay, so what happened?" Orochimaru's confusion grew.

"Akatsuki."

"What?"

"Attacked me and took Tayuya, and they're holding her for ransom."

Pause.

Kidomaru chuckled. _Wonder how long THATS going to last._

"YOU JUST LET THEM TAKE HER WITHOUT PAYING?!"

"I fought back, but there were five of them, I could only last so long."

Orochimaru shivered, this could be bad, Tayuya would very, very quickly tell them about his attachment to his chair, not as much of for revenge, more of the fact, that she would find it very amusing for her...somewhat savage tastes. Then Akatsuki would show up and kill him. Well, they would probably ust let Itachi handle it. The king of torture himself, Sasuke knew that firsthand. Orochimaru swore he would NEVER let anyone steal his presents, or his EGGNOG!

"That's it, RELOCATION TIME!"

Kidomaru looked over. "What?"

"I mean..." Orochimaru shivered. " Why are we living in this repulsive swamp anyways?"

"Because some idiot couldn't afford anything better, IF you remember..." Sakon growled.

"Nonsense, nonsense, you all knew it was Kimimaro's choice." Orochimaru pronounced. Kimimaro looked over, never remembering that he ever said that. "Well, if Orochimaru-sama says it, I'll stick by it."

They stared, Kimimaro was the only one who was still that loyal to Orochimaru after the second year, after he had told them their paychecks had been cut from a dollar a month to nothing, and also told them if they tried to quit he would make the curse mark kill them. Well, they weren't sure if Orochimaru remembered that anymore or not, but hey, better safe than sorry.

"We know it's not that, lord Orochimaru." Kabuto chuckled. "You're afraid they're going to send Itachi over here, aren't you?"

"NO! Of course not...with my power I could...easily overtake that brat.."

Kabuto gave him a look of doubt, and Orochimaru shivered.

"Besides, Lord Orochimaru," Kabuto decided to add on a bit, mainly due to the fact he just finished hauling fifty pounds of luggage. "They said if we try to run their going to find us and kill you."

"WHY JUST ME?! WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"They are under the impression that you forced me along."

"WHAT?! Why didn't you tell them the truth?"

There was a pause, that had to be the stupidest question Orochimaru had asked, and Kabuto responded to it as such.

"Are you some sort of idiot? They would have killed me there."

"Jirobo..." Orochimaru sighed. Giving up. "Carry me to the den."

Jirobo nodded and did as told.

Kidomaru laughed. "Hey! Kabuto, can I ask a question?"

"What, Kidomaru?"

"Where the hell have you been in the past three years?"

-

It took a full five minutes for Tayuya's delusions to fade, seeing that the person in front of her wasn't Sasuke. She was now just staring blankly. Hidan would have started explaining at that time, however the shock awoke Deidara, however, it his barely conscious state, caused a light explosion of clay, sending the rest of the clay around him fliying through the air. Splattering over everyone in that room, and adding on further to Itachi's "quiet rage."

Tayuya laid eyes on her clay covered hair, and flipped. "SHITHEADS!" She screamed, pointing madly over to Hidan and Deidara. She then stormed out of the room, screaming that over and over, despite the fact that she didn't even know her way around this place."SHITHEADS!" She screamed again. A shark man-looking thing passed her and looked over, "Who are you?" He asked. she turned.

"Tayuya, um...your roomates bought me."

"What?"

She ignored him and continued on further down the halls, with her constant scream of "SHITHEADS!"

Kisame shrugged. _For a second, I thought Deidara made her._

Hidan chuckled lightly. "How bout, you explain, Deidara?" He turned to the also clay covered Deidara, who gave him a mean glance, but sighed realizing what Hidan said might just get Itachi even more angry.

"Weeeeeellll, we were sick of this place so we ordered a mail order bride to be our maid, so we went to pick her up and she and Hidan couldn't stop fighting so I lost focus and almost crashed us and Hidan decided he could do it better and flung me to my face, but didn't know what the hell he was doing so we almost crashed then I got free, then knocked unconscious, so then we went out of control, and ended up crashing through your room, un."

They looked back up at Itachi. "Fix it...now."

"Sorry, Itachi um...but my religion...um...whatever religion it is, paegon or something...prevents me from doing anything that involves the word, work, fix, and or, physical labor."

Itachi glared, Deidara looked at him with a look that explained all. That being, "I'm sure as hell not doing this on my own, un."

Itachi's eyes started to get that red look. And finally, Hidan gave up. "Fine, fine, I'll do it."

"Hmph, good." Itachi muttered simply. "And get the girl to help you."

"Okay, un."

Itachi left them to themselves. "Well, it could be worse." Hidan chuckled lightly. "At least Kakuzu doesn't know how we payed for it."

Deidara groaned.

* * *

A/N- This was going to be longer, but my time was short so...sorry. WELL SEE U AFTER BREAK!


	5. WARNING! Avoid Plywood and Plaster!

A/N WOOT! Late chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA! Welp, merry xmas people.

The package is empty, but the message is clear, play santa again, and I'll KILL YOU NEXT YEAR! MUAHAHAHAHHA!

Disclaimer- For lets see...about 35 times I do not own whatever show and or game this story is based...blah blah blah Naruto is not mine whatever.

* * *

Chapter 5- WARNING! Avoid plaster and plywood. 

Deidara had to go fetch the somewhat delusional Tayuya to help them, if Hidan had done it, they would have been arguing and left Deidara to do all the work himself. No way would that happen, nuh-uh. If he could make the choice between doing all the work and having breast implants with coca-cola, he would take the implants. Even if he wasn't female, it would take three years to repair the damage on his own.

Hidan groaned as time went on. Realizing that probably right at that moment that partner of his was probably watching superhero cartoons while drinking his last soda from the fridge, all whilst pointing and laughing and saying Superman and Batman were gay. He looked over, seeing Tayuya was just sitting there staring at them.

"Um...What the fuck do you think you're doing?" He growled at her, she yawned.

"What the hell does it look like? Nothing."

She stood up. "In fact, shitheads, I think I'm gonna take a walk."

"Oh, no you're not." He reached out as she started to walk, and he grabbed her by the hair. She pulled forward, and felt as hair was ripped out of her head, very painfully for that manner, it wasn't particularly noticable, but she felt it and that was enough. She swerved to him, her eyes twitched menacingly.

"You did not just..." Tayuya had been through a lot in her time. She had to deal with the constant mental breakdowns of dealing with that hellhole she moved into, she had watched so many soap operas after that period of time when Orochimaru loved them so, She lived with Sasuke's room for a week, she had people try and murder her through weeks on end (and in very ridiculous ways) and she never was able to get 15 percent off her car insurance from geico. But never, never had anyone DARE rip HER hair out! Hidan chuckled, not realizing the terror he had just unleashed.

He closed his eyes and held his chin up high. "Serves you right, biii..." He was cut short when his eyes opened and he barely dodged as a peice of plywood flew past him, and..ironically tore away more at the wall. Deidara glared over.

"...Can you two do anything other than destroy things, un?"

"NO!" They screamed in unison. Deidara sighed and shook his head in disgust, what was the point in trying anymore? No one listened to the sensible one, NOOOOOO of course not.

"You know what, bitch?" Hidan sneered. "Go ahead and leave, do womans work around here then and cook a roast."

She froze.

"Excuse me?"

"A woman belongs in the fucking kitchen anyways!"

"Oh you did not just say that."

"Oh yes I fucking did."

"Hey Deirdre, transvestite, whatever!"

"...Deidara..."

"Whatever, shithead." She replied swiftly, "I know something I can do that doesn't ehheheh...destroy things..."

Deidara sighed. "What?"

"Mop a floor?" Hidan mumbled.

She reached to her back, pulling out her flute. "It's not...destructive at ehehheh all, shitheads."

"Gonna play us a fucking lullaby or some girly ass shit."

She chuckled devilishly, " Thats right..a lullaby..." Her voice quickened, "Ofnoreturn."

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing, just a little...tune."

Something about her tone made Deidara and Hidan twitch just a tiny little bit. Especially after she went into that evil laughter thing, that was definitley a little creepy.

She pulled it up to her mouth, but had and I mean...they HAVE to say what they're about to do or SOMETHING. "The fourth soo.:"

Plaster. Hidan tossed it over her swiftly. "HOW DO I KNOW THAT ISNT SOME SORT OF EVIL SONG?!" He shouted like a lunatic. Actually this time Deidara actually agreed with him. She wiped it off her eyes. and her bandana thing. She felt her curse mark burn a bit. Oh how much she wanted to use it, but why waste it on this lowlife...she'd wait until he pulled something more..._extreme._She shuddered. _If he ever hits on me, drunk or not, He's dead..._Hidan met that nasty stare she held.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing...nothing at all...shithead."

"Bitch."

"retard."

"Whore."

"You better believe it."

He stared blankly at that. "What? Um...thats an insult I thought?"

Deidara cracked up. "She's fucking with you retard, un. You really are stupid."

Hidan turned to him. "Did you just say fuck? When do you outright curse?"

"Heh, I'm never in the mood, un." He shrugged, still working, and was actually making progress now. He was still going. Hidan chuckled.

"Maybe you found something you're actually GOOD at, Deidara."

"Hey, my art is exqusite!"

"Does that word you just said mean crap?" Hidan chuckled. "I dont give a shit, my ahem "religion" states that blowing shit up doesn't exactly qualify as "art"."

"WELL SCREW YOU'RE RELIGION HIDAN, UN!"

"HEY!"

"Well, later shitheads...you've obviously got it handled in here...I'll be wherever the living room is."

Hidan swerved, "HEY! Get your ass back here, he jumped down, then paused."You know, Deidara, you're doing fine on your damn own...think I'll just leave this crap to you...yeah..." He slid out the door. Deidara stared, his jaw dropped. "WHAT?!"

_Hmph...I hope Itachi sees they bailed on his room...assholes, un._


	6. This is What Your Brain is on Drugs

A/N- Making up for the last short, short chapter yesterday! WOOOOOOOOT! TT Today might be "that" day. Perhaps.

Disclaimer- I do not own N-A-R-U-T-O What does that spell, NARUTO!

* * *

chapter six- This is what your brain is on drugs. 

By the end of the next hour, five of them were sitting on the couch just watching TV blankly. This group including Kisame, Itachi, Hidan, Tayuya and Tobi. She was sitting at the end on the left. She signaled over here with her hand.

"Sasuke's brother, pass me the chips."

"I believe I told you to fix my room earlier?" Itachi muttered, as if this just came to mind now of all times. Ah, telivision, rotting your mind till you have such wonderful Short-term memory loss.

"Deidara said we were in the way."

"Hn."

It took Tayuya a full five minutes to get her chips.

The TV flashed.

_Over 800 percent of the people you know...are on drugs. Whether it be Alcohol, or marijuana, THEY ARE ON DRUGS! AND 800 percent of the people they know are on drugs, and 800 percent of the people those people know are on drugs._

"Isn't 800 percent MORE than who you know?" Hidan murmered in an aggravated tone, but drug commercials do that to a lot of people.

_Over 123.34 million deaths are caused by drinking alcohol each year._

"This thing is making me want a beer..." Hidan muttered.

"I hate drug commercials." Itachi growled simply.

"But they help children not do drugs!" Tobi replied. "Do you want me on drugs, Itachi?"

Kisame chuckled a bit, realizing what most of the people thought at that moment.

"I dunno..." Tayuya sighed. "But I think the anti-drug commercial shitheads ARE on drugs."

_This is your brain. (Holds up egg) This is your brain on drugs, (Holds up frying pan, swings it towards egg but misses) Umm...my bad, Lets retry that. THIS is your brain on drugs.( Misses, pan flys out of hand and hits cameraman). Oh...um this..shattered skull is your brain...on drugs?_

"Maybe." Kisame chuckled.

"Yep, these stupid morons are definitley on drugs." Tayuya laughed. "Fucking idiots."

"Hey, Bitch, go get me a beer."

"Get it yourself, you're as bad as that fatass snake Orochimaru."

"That one was painful, Hidan." Kisame grinned.

"And if you wish to get technical, she just called you gay, too."

"FUCK YOU GUYS!"

Itachi glared over at him. "Um...I mean Kisame and Tobi, yeah..um fuck you two guys..and um..not Itachi.."

"I'll get it if I can have one, shithead monk." Tayuya muttered.

"Aren't you underage?" Hidan muttered. She stared.

"You're an S class criminal, pretty sure it's not going to be at the top of your record for letting a minor drink, jackass." She replied swiftly, "Fucking idiocy."

"Fine, just get the damn drink then." He growled. "Bitch."

She rose from the couch. "Where's the food shack?"

"Two rooms over to the left."

"Ok."

Kisame leaned back as she left.

"Is she yours or Deidara's?" He muttered suddenly, Hidan almost choked on a potato chip from that comment.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Kisame?"

"Who's girlfriend is she?" He said in words Hidan could understand, which meant he had to say them very slowly. "It's not me, Itachi doesn't date, he's too serious, no girl in their right mind would date Tobi after talking to him for five seconds.."

"I FEEL LIKE SKIING!" Tobi shouted.

"Kakuzu always has that mask on, and he's a bit repulsive ability-wise, and the leader has a girl-friend who he keeps locked up in the dark room next to the kitchen."

-Meanwhile in the kitchen-

The door beat loudly, and Tayuya started to freak out a bit.

"Um...is someone fucking in there?" She stuttered.

"Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

"Um...nevermind."

And thus Tayuya made an oath to herself to ignore whatever was locked in the room next to the kitchen.

-Back in the living room-

"So it's either you or Deidara."

"ACTUALLY ITS NEITHER!" Tobi screamed. "THEY BOUGHT HER FROM OROCHIMARU AS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE!"

Itachi turned, "Hn?"

Hidan shuddered. _Operation, Get Tobi to shut his beak before Deidara and I are fucking dead. Mostly me._

"He's lying his ass off again, you know Tobi, he's a little idiot punk."

"WHAT?"

"Ah, of course." Kisame sighed, "I mean if it was true, how would you get the money for it, steal it from Kakuzu?"

Hidan chuckled."Yeah, like I would fucking do that..." _Oh shit that was close.._

"So...she's yours?"

"Yeah, sure whatever."

"Good for you then."

_Okay, that should be enough to convince them...wait a second what if they...oh shit. Why couldn't I just say Deidara?! FUCK!_

A few minutes later Tayuya finally returned, holding an entire six pack and several bags of chips for which to gorge herself on, they never had too much food in the sound village, it mostly went into feeding the two fatasses Orochimaru and Jirobo. After awhile all the prisoners were dead, and half of them were anorexic in appearance.

"I said a beer not half the damn fridge." Hidan moaned. "Are you trying to make yourself fat or something?"

"Damn, you guys know how to live." She grinned. "Chips, soda, beer, fries, ramen, even a candy jar. I never had this stuff at the sound."

She slid down the edge next to Hidan, passing him a beer. She cracked hers open, "you have no idea how long I've needed one of these things." She took a drink that probably brought half the damn can down. Hidan stared. No way she ways gonna last very long with a shot like that.

_Every day a new person starts drinking alcohol, then they start having sex for money, then they die of Diabetes. Its the natural link we call the circle of..(click channel change) CURSE YOU SUPERMAN! YOU WILL DIE BECAUSE MY ARMOR IS MADE OF KRYPTONITE! "NO! Not Kryptonite, my power is draining quickly, Green Beast of Konoha, help me!" I will save you from lex luthor superman! And I will beat his accomplice Neji for I BELIEVE IN MYSELF! (Insert weird theme song.) 5th GATE OPEN!_

Deidara wandered in the room, covered with dirt, dust and blotches of plaster. "I'm finally done...with that crap,un." He glanced over and looked over to Tayuya and Hidan. "You...bastards." He growled. "Leaving me to do that crap by myself, un." THen he noticed something off. No screaming. Why were Tayuya and Hidan BEHAVING? Something must have gone terribly awry. Then he noticed the TV, of course, the ultimate sysem of bonding, sit two people who hate each other in front of a TV and they'll be good for as long as its on.

"Calm down, heh heh." Tayuya chuckled, with a chuckle that seemed a bit out of control. "Have a beer, shithead, Deirdre, or whatever your name is again." Deidara glanced at her. Then at one of the now empty cans lying on the floor.

"Are you drunk?"

"No...officer, theres no blood in my fucking alcohol system."

Hidan shook his head. And THAT children, is why you dont take massive shots of alcohol. She'd been here a few hours and so far she'd crashed through the roof, started a plywood and plaster fight, and now was drunk off her ass. Hidan and Deidara still hadn't gotten around to telling her why they actually bought her. She just assumed that she had to get hitched to someone, and for that money, hey it was worth it.

Something told them today wasn't going to be easy.

"I think I'm going to give up alcohol after all." Hidan muttered. _This is also why I didn't want her drinking underage, what can fucking come next?_

"CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE THINGS SHE DRANK, DEIDARA-SEMPAI?!" Tobi shouted. Deidara glared at him. "Never, Tobi, un."

"Awwwwwwww why not?"

Tayuya tossed her second beer on the floor.

"Will you stop fucking drinking like that?" Hidan muttered, "Speaking that you can't hold your fucking liquor?"

"Don't be like that...Hi...Hi...Hitler."

"Hidan."

"Whatever, shitheads."

There was a pause and everyone was getting a bit uncomfortable. This was almost as bad as when Tobi slipped LSD into Itachi's soda that time. He went that whole day thinking he was possesed by his own sharingan. He thought he was taking it well, however Kisame could say otherwise.

"Hey." She poked Hidan on the side. "Hey."

"WHAT NOW?!"

"You're kind of cute."

"OOOkaaaaaay, stop being fucking creepy."

"I'm sick of always being so good, cmon."

_Good? HER?! Yeah right._

Itachi left the room, Kisame etched a bit away from them. Deidara shook his head, and Tobi just stared curiously, like the little idiot he was.

"Come on, I just wanna do something wild, lets just...just do it."

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

"Nothing...Tobi, un." Deidara sighed. That was one of the last things Deidara wanted Tobi to know.

Hidan was beyond freaked out as she started to pull her face up to his. _...What the fuck. This is kind of scary. _

"Um...okay..."

_Commence embarassment, in 3, 2, 1._

She pulled closer, but she didn't kiss him, her arm flew up, grabbed him by the hair and pulled down. Hard.

Kisame laughed, what someone would give to have seen that on video.

"Dumbass, I've been drinking since I was eleven. I don't get wasted off two drinks, all I have is a buzz." She chuckled. "I can't believe you would take advantage of me if I was drunk, sicko pervert bastard."

"Y...you bitch." He muttered. But she just laughed. Even Tobi laughed, and he had no idea what anyone was talking about, he just wanted to look cool.

"What a wonderful relationship, Hidan." Kisame grinned in his usual sharkish way.

"I...hate all you bastards." Hidan mumbled


	7. Sleeping Together not what you think

A/N- Chapter seven and im sooooo sorry it's late...sososososososososoooooooooo sorry, eh heh...had to get akatsuki superheroes up first too... Disclaimer- I do not own Tayu-chan, or hidan or any character in Naruto, but since you read this story, I OWN YOUR SOUL! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA

* * *

Chapter 7- Sleeping together.The wrong picture. 

"No, I refuse, no way in hell am I sleeping on that fucking thing." She growled upon hearing the news.

Hidan mumbled curses under his breath for once in his damn life, Deidara shook his head. This was quite a dilemma, strange they hadn't thought of it sooner.

"Well, there isn't enough bed space, so someone is either getting the couch, or someone is sharing a room."

Tayuya kicked the side of Hidan's bed, speaking they were in there at the moment. It wasn't exactly a sightly place, to say the least, either. Scythes on the all, and a bunch of weird little symbols that appeared as if they had been directly ripped off from Fullmetal Alchemist. There was a bunch of dried up black paint splattered unevenly acroos the floor from where someone must have spilled it, the bucket was still sitting overturned in the corner. She groaned. Not just a slob. A PAINT slob.

If only there was some way to just get one of THEM to sleep on the couch. Then she would have her OWN room. However this seemed...unlikely at the most. She groaned, all she knew was no couches. Big no-no there.

Deidara thought this over hard, in fact his head started to ache. Out of everything, he did not want to share with Hidan or her, and god knows not...

"DEIDARA-SEMPAI!"

Right on cue.

"What do you want, Tobi? Un." He groaned. "Important time right now, go watch Tv or something, un."

"ITS SUNDAY, DEIDARA-SEMPAI!"

Deidara groaned. _Great, that means all that would be on are those drug commercials or the REALLY cliche superhero shows...dammit dammit dammit._

"WHATS SO IMPORTANT?"

"This stupid whore just won't sleep on the fucking couch."

"Cram up your ass, shithead."

"So someone has to share a room or something."

"SHE CAN SHARE MY ROOM!" Tobi sqealed. "I DONT CARE!"

"Wow, Tobi being useful, un." Deidara muttered, "Thought I would never see the day."

They followed him down the hall until they got to the door, and once Deidara thought about it, no one had really ever SEEN Tobi's room before. He always imagined it would be covered with teen titans posters and poke'mon cards and all that happy horseshit. The door slid open. They stopped and their faces obstructed at the sight of it.

Tobi...was a stalker? Everywhere there were pictures of some brown-haired chick named...Tayuya looked at the name inscription closely. Ren or Rin or something, he had some horrible handwriting. No one could read that crap fully.

"AND SHE CAN SLEEP HERE!" He cheered, pointing over to a dog bed over by a stack of Rin pictures he had printed online. There was a dog a...dead one...probably forgot to feed it...He recieved no answer he turned around and they were gone.

"DID THEY HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM? OH WELL!"

-

Deidara securely locked Hidan's door. How creepy.

"Okay, we need to figure this out, un."

A loud knock hit the door, and Tayuya flipped out.

"It's that creepy little shithead who wants me to sleep in a fucking dogbed!"

"No, it's Kisame,un."

"How can you tell?"

"Because Kisame is the only fucking one of us who knocks so loud part of the room starts to crack." Hidan grumbled. Deidara opened the door. Kisame gave him a fishy looking grin. However that was the only grin he had. Scary as it was. "We're having a dilemma aright now Kisame. Go away."

Kisame, who was holding a bag of chips, shoved one into his mouth and nodded. "Like sleeping arrangements?"

_He listened through the door, didn't he, un?_

"Looking at that guy makes me hungry." Tayuya moaned.

"You just fucking ate out our fucking fridge! Do you ever get full?!"

"I have a high metabolism."

"It isn't going to help you if you gorge yourself, bitch."

"Mind your own fucking business."

"They're the couple, why don't you just room them up?" Kisame suggested. Hidan and Tayuya froze.

_And just where the fuck did he get that from? _She thought angrily.

_Oh shit, I really shouldn't have covered for myself...dammit, dammit, dammit, why couldn't I just say DEIDARA?_

"FUCK!"

Everyone looked over to Hidan, who just randomly screamed that into the room. Deidara sighed, then looked to Kisame.

"You, know, I think you have an idea there, Kisame."

(Insert psycho music here)

"The couple SHOULD sleep together, un."

"Oh, no no no no no. you can't be fucking serious." Tayuya argued.

"Dead serious, un." Deidara grinned evilly. "And it's almost nightfall."

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You know as much as I fucking do that..."

He leapt outside and slammed the door. Tayuya started off after him.

"SHITHEAD!" She shouted, "GET YOUR ASS BACK IN HERE DEIDRE, YOU FUCKING BITCH!"

"It's DEIDARA!" He shouted back, after a bit she gave up and wandered back into Hidan's room. She cast him a glare that was pure, pure, evil. Hidan returned it. It was going to be an interesting night.

-About 3 hours of evil staring later-

"You're going to sleep in your sound village clothes?" He muttered, "How fucking uncomfortable are you intending to frikin be?"

"What, i'm supposed to like, put on my night gown in front of you?" She retorted. "Like all nice and slow like some kind of stripper slut? Sick bastard."

"I WAS JUST FUCKING SAYING!"

"WELL KEEP YOUR DAMN COMMENTS TO YOUR SHITHEAD, FUCKING SELF!"

-4 hours later-

They laid on opposite sides of the bed, as close to the bed sides as possible, no chance of getting any sleep tonight. Tayuya felt something move down her leg slowly.

"GROSS! You fucking touched me, pervert!"

"What? no I didn't! Lying ass bitch!"

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Then what the fuck is this thing going down my leg?" She argued, "All furry and wet just like a..."

"A FUCKING RAT OH MY GOD!" She jumped up in bed. Hidan, a bit startled from how bad she was flipping out over a little rat. She jumped on his side of the bed. Out of all things she could be afraid of. The bitch of the sound was afraid of a rat.She kicked it off pushing herself backwards into Hidan. He screamed in complaint.

"YOU STUPID BITCH I'M ON THE SIDE OF THE BED WE'RE GOING TO FALL OFF THE..."

Thump. The bed, was what he was about to say. Their door flew open, thanks to the commotion that just went on, Kisame, wearing Long johns and holding a...a teddy bear? He looked over to them and froze. Seeing their...rather awkward positioning. Hidan had rolled over on top of her. In the...lets just say the worst looking way imaginable.

"SORRY!" Kisame shouted, then quickly shut the door. It took about a minute to process this, but Tayuya was the firt to realize. Resulting in Hidan having a major head injury.

"You're tying to rape me!"

"It's YOUR FAULT! YOU KICKED ME OFF THE BED!"

"Yeah, use me as an excuse...gross..." She got up off the floor and started walking back and forth across the room. "Ew, so fucking disgusting."

To think this was only the first day.


	8. Goodmorning?

A/N- OOOPS LATE AGAIN! It was between this and prodigy of Uchiha and this one was three days later...XD hehehhe Oh well, here you go folks, and unlike the people on my other stories I'm not mad at you guys for not reviewing because you always do and you arent poking at me constantly saying "UPDATE UPDATE!" THANK YOU for that, i was so mad the other day.

HERE YOU GO FOLKS!

* * *

Chapter eight- Good Morning? 

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Orochimaru wailed loudly, still unable to get out of his chair. "NOT THE TV!" Kidomaru looked over to Kabuto, a very deppressed look on his face.

"Hey Kabuto?" He muttered. "I thought we had another day..."

Kabuto re-examined the notice paper. He sighed, looking at the date. "Oh...the mail came one day late."

Orochimaru's head turned to Kabuto. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, KABUTO!"

"Me? What did I do?"

"YOU SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT OFF AKATSUKI TO GET THE MONEY!" He shouted, angrily. A mover man walked in the room. Jirobo was sitting in the corner sobbing. No one was really sure on where Sakon and Ukon had went to. As for little Kimi he had been quite busy hiding things he wanted to keep.

"Is he gonna be okay?" The mover asked in monotone.

"He'll be fine he's just delirious." Kabuto responded. Shaking his head, ashamed. Looks like it was going to be an eventful day. He was a bit worried about the spiders and rats, no way he was going to sleep on that floor. The mover rose his hand as if to ask another question.

"I need the chair, what do I do about him?"

Kabuto paused. Kidomaru looked over to him, wondering exactly WHAT they were supposed to do. Kabuto gave a sign with his hand.

"Take him too, he's just a statue."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY KABUTO!" Orochimaru squealed upon hearing his right hand man refer to him as a usually inanimate object. "JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE PULLING!"

"Yeah, he's the result of a jutsu to make art alive, just take the whole thing..."

Kidomaru chuckled as the mover called in a horde of people to slide him away to the van. Squealing curses towards Kabuto as they did. Kabuto merely sighed. "Well that should get him out of our hair for awhile."

"Dude, Kabuto, you're frikin evil."

-

Tayuya lurked out of the room. Enormous black circles had taken their place beneath her eyes. She pulled herself down to the kitchen. Everyone seemed to be staring at her blankly. Tobi jumped up and down.

"GOOD..."

"Shut the fuck up, stalker."

"...morning?" Tobi finished a bit confused. She took the one of the two empty seats, the tenth one lookd like it needed some dusting too. Spiderwebs covering it. She saw Deidara looking at her evilly across the table. She scowled. Her eyes still giving off that "In case you didn't notice, I didn't get sleep last night." look.

"Have fun last night, did we?"

"Hrm?"

Kisame chuckled. She turned to him viciously. Then noticed that "thing" next to him and froze. Like a giant evil plant or something. She shuddered.

"I meant after all you didn't exactly "sleep" last night, un?"

She paused. She didn't know what it was but she didn't like the way he said that word. "Sleep". It made her shudder more than Plant Man over next to Kisame.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Deidre?"

"Deidara, and don't play dumb, un."

She gave him an odd glance, as a yawn was heard and Hidan wandered into the room. Recieving an ovation as he did by Deidara, Kisame, Kakuzu, and Tobi, whom was just trying to look cool. He stared blankly at them. _What the fuck was that about? _He moved over to his usual seat at the table, which he then realized was occupied by the very drowzy, and very confused Tayuya.

"Get the hell up, bitch."

She turned to him, a beyond evil glare on her face, which combined with her fury of being so tired was even scary to Hidan. He backed up a bit. "What the fuck is your problem?"

"Sit...down...and...shut...the...fuck...up."

He gave her the same weird glance he gave the room after that creepy applause. He felt a strange ticking in his head that said: _"You do NOT want to fuck with that, dumbass." _Yet it was kind of sad when his own thoughts referred to him as a dumbass. He dusted off the empty seat and sat down, also recieving evil glances from the other guys at the table.

He returned them. The only one who didn't seem to be staring was Itachi, because Itachi is too well...off. Always looking elsewhere. His partner, Kakuzu chuckled lightly, "Nice job, Hidan."

"What?"

"Seems our elder retard finally did something right, un."

Tayuya began dozing off at the table. Tobi started poking at her head. "Hey guys, Is she dead?"

"No, Tobi, She's tired, leave her alone.Un."

Tobi kept poking at her anyways. Until she woke up again and smacked him across the head.

"OW THAT HURT!"

"So how was it?" Kakuzu asked, Hidan turned to him, getting just a _tad _freaked out. Yeah, just a _TAD._

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT!"

"Cmon, we both know how come she's so tired." Kakuzu grinned.

"Because you forced us to sleep in the same bed and it was fuckin awkward?!"

"Just admit it, Hidan."

"ADMIT TO WHAT?!?!??!!" Hidan shouted, quite loudly. " I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT!"

There was a brief silence around the table, folowed by snickers in between, then a repeated awkward silence. Hidan started thinking, however thoughts never went to far with him. He just stared blankly at them all. Then at her. Then at Kakuzu and Deidara. Tayuya rubbed her eyes, trying desperately to wake herself up. Her vision was still a bit off.

"We already know, no need to deny it." Kisame grinned sharkishly.

"I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DAMMIT!"

"They mean they know you slept with the girl." Itachi just muttered out quietly. Tayuya's selective hearing worked out a few words of that. _Know...slept with...girl...wait a sec...WHAT THE FUCK?!_

Thus that little time bomb in Tayuya's head exploded, taking an entire city with it. She woke up instantaneously, rising from her seat. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU SICK, PERVERTED, BASTARDS?!" Her reaction was not unlike that of the reaction of a bear after throwing rocks at it. She paused a moment thinking about EXACTLY what did happen that night. She remembered EXACTLY who was there. She pointed angrily at Kisame. "IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT YOU FISH BASTARD!"

"She slept with Kisame, too, un?" Deidara muttered, a bit cluelessly from her screaming, she then turned to him.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!"

"Nothing, un."

She breathed heavily. Hidan shook his head with a disgusted look. "Ah, you guys are disgusting as fucking hell." He muttered. "Why would I sleep with that disgusting ass whore?"

Tayuya's selective hearing worked its wonders again. _Disgusting...whore...oh no he didn't. Oh no-no._

"EXCUSE ME?!" She roared again. Flipping to him. Wow, she got on a persons case each new second. "You did NOT just say that!"

"Pssh, so what if i did?"

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh It's on...IT IS ON YOU PRICK!" She pulled out her flute.

"Wow, this again, play a song, I don't give a shit."

"Ooh I'll play a fuckin song." For those who don't know...that was sarcasm. In one quick movement she smashed it over his head. Resulting in a loud thumping sound.

"Son of a fucking bitch." Hidan growled, rubbing his head as Tayuya turned her back to him.

"WHO'S FUCKING NEXT!"

Tobi leapt up and down. "Do me! Do me!" He screamed obnoxiously. She whacked him across the back of the head, a hollow sound resulting. He fell to ther floor unconscious. She glared at the rest of the table who backed up a bit, exept for Itachi who knew damn well no one was ever going to try hitting him with a blunt, metal rod shaped object. Or they would die a horrible terrible death. Deidara chuckled to himself as he looked over to the very upset Hidan, whom was still rubbing his head. He patted him on a shoulder.

"See Hidan, this is the result of being bad in bed, un..."

He snapped over to him. " I ALREADY SAID I DIN'T!" He announced angrily. Deidara snickered, then started to back out of the kitchen.

"GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD AS TRANSVESTITE!"

* * *

I do not own Naruto or anything associated with Naruto.

Cut off again...DAMN IT ALL!


	9. Mops and Brooms and Songs!

A/N- chances are this chappie might have a little less Akatsuki and a bit more Sound. XD Starring Kabuto Yakushi..XD I cant prevent the plot bunnies...btw...(ATTENTION ANYONE WHO READS BOTH THIS AND AKATSUKI SUPERHEROES! IT WILL NOT BE UPDATED FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS THANKS TO SOME VERY RUDE PEOPLE, WHO POKE AT ME AND DO NOT EVEN HAVE THE COURTESY TO REVIEW! HOWEVER, IF YOU DO NOT POKE AT ME FOR UPDATES, OR YOU DO REVIEW! YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! THIS EVIL MESSAGE DOES NOT CONCERN YOU! OMG XD!)

Disclaimer- I do not own naruto...(although i secretly wished i did) That way everything would end all sad and deppressing...and Itachi would be possessed...XD.

* * *

Chapter Nine- Mops and Brooms and Songs

The building was empty. No furniture, no Television, and no computer..sad times, my friends, sad times. The air of the swamped regions chilled them cold. Kabuto had made a fire of the only thing they had left in the house. Those being old pictures of Orochimaru in disturbing poses. No mover man dare touch them. For upon doing such would result in what the ninja referred to as, "Pedophillic contamination."

Sasuke stared blankly at the wall. Just stared. Still wearing that hideous excuse for a robe. The chest open. He sighed.

"Kabuto?" He muttered, lowly, Kabuto nodded, yet didn't bother looking his way. All eye contact resulted in the Uchiha horror...or possibly, even worse an Itachi story.

"I'm hungry."

"I know that already." Kabuto groaned. "In case you didn't realize, Jirobo is still in the room."

Jirobo was rolling over on the floor from starvation, or so he called it. "Iiiiim Huuuuuunnngry..." He groaned, Kidomaru backed away from him, afraid that if anyone resulted in cannibalism, it would be Jirobo. He tried to warm himself by the fire...yet he had this weird thought that contact with it would turn his eyes purple and give him a skin disorder. He kept seeing it for some reason, even though it was so unlikely. Part of him just told himself: _God...never let me look like Lord Orochimaru..._

Kabuto shivered. The silence was beyond awkardness. He hated to admit it, but damn...a good insult would kill something right now. Even if when anger. Kimi had left after Lord Orochimaru, shouting things such as: "How could you let such a thing happen?" and "Why would you betray our master?" Kabuto shrugged to him in response and his jaw almost dropped in shock before he left. No one really understood why Kimimaru was so damn loyal to that transvestite ass snake. The rest of the people of sound, other than Kabuto and Sasuke, were really only there because the curse mark, he made their lives a living _hell_.

"Kabuto...I'm so bored." Sasuke groaned, constantly complaining, that boy. Nothing ever seemed to satisfy him. You give him friends, he leaves them for power, you give him power? He wants to kill someone he can't. You get him a luxury mattress, and all he can think of is how Itachi once shaved him bald in his sleep. He stared at him now...in his little outfit. His gay looking little outfit. They all knew why Orochimaru made it that way. Sasuke just didn't seem to realize. Perhaps too stupid, or he was too busy _complaining _to think about it. He started to think of what Tayuya used to do to insult him when she first saw him. He chuckled.

"What?" Sasuke muttered, seeing a twisted grin on Kabuto's face. He returned it with a disturbed glance.

"Hey, Kidomaru?" Kabuto muttered suddenly, looking over to the spider-armed youth, who was still trembling at that disturbing thought in his head. Hey shuddered as he looked up.

"Yeah?"

"Remember what Tayuya used to say about Sasuke's robe?"

Kidomaru, paused, thinking back. "OH YEAH!" He shouted, "That was a good one."

Sasuke, whom had never heard this himself, looked up, knowing it was going to be something offensive, knowing Tayuya.

"WHAT WAS IT?!" He demanded, a bit offensively. Kabuto grinned.

"You never heard it? The song?"

"Song?"

"Oh, it was _Hilarious!" _Kidomaru guffawed._  
_

_S_asuke froze, he had to hear it. "Tell me.."

"You might not find it...amusing.." Kabuto stated. "We'll tell you at a price."

"What?"

"No more Itachi stories for a week.."

Sasuke had to consider that one a moment, I mean, he lived on Itachi stories. Yet, after realizing this could be a threat to his persona, he nodded, and the deal was struck. Kabuto signaled to Kidomaru, who went over, and whispered something in Sasuke's ear. Kabuto almost exploded into laughter after seeing how Sasuke's emotionless face twisted into shock. He rose off the ground, whipping out a kunai, he shouted madly.

"SHE'S DEAD! I'LL GO TO AKATSUKI HEADQUARTERS _NOW!!!!!_" He screamed, "I'll kill her, my brother and _ALL_ of them!"

Kabuto chuckled lightly, restraining himself. _He has NO self-control. Then again, we're a lot more used to Tayuya's trash, but still...hilarious._

"Now, now, Sasuke, calm yourself..." He eased, rubbing his glasses clean, then his left eye wearily.

"We have a big day tomorrow, too..." Kabuto sighed, to the group who looked at him curiously, other then Sakon and Ukon, whom were wiped out asleep on the floor. "We're going to work!"

"Ummmm Kabuto?" Kidomaru raised a hand. "Isn't there a problem with that?"

"Hm? What?"

"We're wanted criminals? They will _kill _us on sight."

"Now, now, I've thought of that. That's why..."

"We're using disguises."

-

Tayuya paused. Just walking in the halls, just froze.

"Oh my god," She muttered, Kisame, who wasn't far behind stared.

"There's an imbalance in the force."

Kisame, confused, shook his head and went past. She just had this horrible...terrible feeling...that somewhere out there...a gray-haired guy with glasses was going to get his ass kicked. Well...it was a weird thought. She shrugged it off and carried on through the halls. She wandered in her new bedroom.(Which, thanks to her prick of a roomate, she was never going to get to sleep in..) She stared blankly. What a dump. That black paint all over the floor, which almost looked like somrthing directly ripped off Fullmetal alchemist. It made her want to vomit. The walls had holes, spiders and roaches scurried along the walls, hoping not to be seen. She looked at the window. It made her want to vomit. Dust plated to the window in such amounts it looked like lint from the washing machine.

_I wonder...has this fucking drama queen EVER cleaned up this shithole??_

A rat went by and she flipped. How she hated them. "FUCKING VERMIN!" She shouted loudly, kicking it up against the wall. It made it's escape through a hole in the wall. She moaned. It was probably that same little rat from last night. Tayuya groaned. Great.

She poked her head out the door. "DEIDRE!"

No response. She called again:

"DEEEEEIIIIIIDRE!"

Once again, she recieved no answer.

"DEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDRE!"

Deidara sat with a newspaper in the kitchen. He heard another shout, but refused to look up. Zetsu looked over.

"I think she's calling you."

"I know, un." He muttered, dryly. "I just don't intend to respond until she says it right."

"DEIIIIIIDRE GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!" Another shout roared.

"It appears Hidan's girl is getting upset." Itachi sighed. "Perhaps you do not want a repeat of this morning?"

Deidara ignored that statement. Tayuya was standing in the same place, steaming. Tobi approached her. _Oh no, the fucking stalker-kid._

"YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE NAMED DEIDRE?!" He muttered.

Somewhere Tayuya could just SWEAR that he had met Deidara before, when was it? Oh yeah! five minutes ago!

"I"LL HELP!" He squealed, delighted by the idea that he could actually "help" someone.

"DEEEEEIIIIIDRE!"

"That would be Tobi." Muttered Kisame whom walked into the kitchen, snatching up a bag of cracker jacks.

"He called me the same thing.." Deidara groaned. "Which means he's too stupid to realize he's actually looking for me...he thinks she's looking for someone named Deidre..."

"DEEEEEEIIIIIDREEE!" Tobi called. The stopped. "Well, I tried...I"M GOING TO MIST NOW!"

He walked away. She _thought_ that maybe he meant the mist _village.._But Tobi was a bit...special. You never really did know...

"DEIDRE YOU SHITHEAD ASS BASTARD TRANSVESTITE GET YOUR LAZY MOTHERFUCKING ASS OVER HERE BEFORE I DRAG YOU HERE MY SELF!"

Deidara pulled up the paper. Still ignoring her. He hummed a happy little tune. Everyone else in the room...was shocked to say the least. Kisame had decided it was about time to begin writing Deidara's eulogy.

"You really should..."

"It doesn't matter, un." He sighed, "After all what's the worst she could dooooooooo..."

Deidara's words dragged to a stop. Why you ask? A little minor factor known simply as...the table flipped over his head. There before him stood a very, happy sunshine cheerful Tayuya...and I just abused the word sarcasm. She pointed viciously at him.

"YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" She roared, Kisame etched out of the room. This could get ugly. "I KNOW YOU HEARD ME CALLING YOU!"

Deidara chuckled lightly, _Oh god, why did I have to say that?..un._

She stomped towards him, the darth vader music went around in Zetsu's head for some reason. "You fucking transvestite prick...now I want you to answer me this...NOW." Tayuya growled like a bull who just got branded on the ass. Deidara had to guess what exactly could be the problem NOW.

"Ummmmm...protection, un?"

BEEP! Wrong answer. Or should I say very wrong answer?

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THE MOP AND BROOM?!" She shouted, angrily, Deidara paused. _Wait..what?_

"You mean to tell me you broke our kitchen table...because you needed a mop and broom?"

"DONT FUCKIN QUIZ ME!"

_Wow...I'm starting to pity Hidan..._

"Ummm...next to the fridge..."

And then her fury magically seemed to dissapear. She grabbed it and left without a word as if nothing happened. Lucky for Kakuzu and Hidan, they were gone on a mission getting groceries...but damn. The surviving group stared at the overturned table, two of it's legs broken off.

"DAMMIT!" Deidara complained, a bit infuriated...yeah a BIT. "Does she realize how hard it is to buy a cofee table when you're a wanted S rank criminal?"


	10. Bedrooms

A/N- there have been several misunderstandings over the updation of this chapter, as It seems most of you were expecting it to be after 3 weeks, but no, that was about my older fic Akatsuki superheroes, which is being delayed. (Cause of people who will remain nameless) This story will be updated as regular, so dont worry bout it. Tsh, I never have problems with you guys reviewing, or even torturing me for updates. So you guys are cool. CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR ALL! (even you.. XD, jk you're cool too! XDXDXD)

Disclaimer- DODODODODODODODOODODODODODO Evil pickles! Doododododoodododododododododdo I dont own naruto...dodododododdo

* * *

Chapter Eleven- Bedrooms

She stared at the room, and instantly wanted to just leave, right there. She had the mop in her right hand, the broom and mop bucket in her left. She heaved a sigh.At least it would be a _tad more tolerable _clean. She sat the mop outside, then upon further examination, set the broom out there as well.

_ Time to start Tayuya's confiscation time._ Ha, as if she would find anything of considerable _value_ in the piece of shit. She went through despite, picking up everything that touched the ground that did not fit the category of "furniture" in that accursed room. She created a mental checklist of everything she considered trash. She started on the right corner of the room, a bit shocked at the results. Upon the wall's edge was an empty bucket of paint, as well as a dozen buckets of black paint, five buckets of red paint, and three gallons of blue. She stared at it a bit confused. _What the fuck is he going to do with all this frikin paint?_ She pulled it into the hall. Registering it into her trash category, after all, what the hell was a guy going to do with a million fucking gallons of paint? She shivered at the thought of Hidan with a finger-painting hobby. Then shivered again. She brought her self back in for the second round of paint-dragging. Overall, however, that was probably .5 percent of what was in that hellhole. She examined it for a third time now. She still had to clean the paint splattered on the floor, clear those holes...and just what the fuck was that on the walls?

Tayuya wasn't going to deny it. She despised cleaning with a passion. Not just a passion. Oh no.

Her passion burned with the intensity of a thousand suns that engulfed her victims and went supernova on their bitch asses. At this moment, she was hoping that victim was Hidan. She chuckled lightly with amusement at seeing him dead. Perhaps, beheaded, burned, hell tortured. As long as it was _painful._ Nice, sweet pain. Because of him, she had to do something she despised. How dare that bastard. She looked under his bed, seeing a mass of trash, mixed with a variety of rotten foods and corpses of small mammals. She groaned.

"DAMMIT YOU BASTARD! YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS SHIT!"

-Meanwhile in some village's grocery store-

A man with redish hair and a black suit stopped suddenly while going down aisles. His associate looked over. A large man in a T-shirt and pants, while also a mask. He had stitches all down his arms.

"What, Hidan?"

"Something bad is about to fucking happen." The, (not so cleverly disguised) Hidan mumbled.

"What, you think the hamburger meat was rancid?"

-

She now had but a large pile of bullshit in the middle of the floor. Everytime she saw a rat she wanted to puke. She tossed a few pornographic magazines onto the pile, how typical of a guy's room. After about an hour she got everything out from under that bed of pure hell. Facing it now, she realized:

_What the hell am I going to do with this crap?_ She peered around the room, and spotted that boarded up space above the bed.

_Heh, Bingo._

Hidan and Kakuzu approached the front as they struggled to keep hold over the grocery supply, Hidan'r hair still a dark red color, but hey, at least he had his good old akatsuki cloak again. He was also a bit relieved that Kakuzu did most of the heavy lifting. The frozen meats, the milk, almost anything which was frozen actually. Whilst Hidan mainly held the junk foods such as gummy worms and potato chips, Kakuzu should have realized it was a bad idea to do such. Hidan had already been through three bags of pringles.

"Home fucking free." He muttered, he tossed his bags onto Kakuzu's. "I'm sure you can handle that shit on your own, Kakuzu."

"Lazy bastard." Kakuzu grumbled in disgust. Bringing it in anyway, but got much enjoyment at it, for when he turned around, the first thing he saw was Hidan covered in a mass of trash. Hidan stood there blankly, looking down.

"This...is my fucking stash." He muttered, teeth grinding. "KAKUZU WHY THE HELL IS MY STASH FLYING OUT THE MOTHERFUCKING WINDOW?!"

"Beats me." Kakuzu muttered, chuckling to himself lightly. He slammed open the door with his side. Hidan made a rush for it, yet failed horribly. He groaned as he pulled it back open. As he passed the living room he looked at the currently pre-occupied with TV time Deidara.

"Where...is the fucking girl." He demanded.

"She took a mop and broom and went upstairs, un."

Hidan froze, his head desperatly trying to put two and two together.But in Hidan's head two and two equals five. _Mop...plus broom...upstairs...stuff flying out window...oh god._ He got a image that took the truth, then shaved it, strangled it, and lit it on fire. Somewhere in the dark depths of his mind came the Idea that she was trashing the hell out of his room with a broom. He shuddered at that thought.

-Somewhere in Hidan's bizzare imagination-

Tobi- YES! SCORE ONE FOR ME!

Tayuya- (breaks broomstick over his head)

-

Hidan chuckled lightly to himself. Then in a matter of seconds realized he was straying from the point. He rushed upstairs and his door was closed. He hesistated on pening it. A bit afraid on the results of it. Seeing his wonderful bedroom being torn apart by that red-headed psycho bitch. He pulled the doorknob, which made a loud screech due to lack of oiling, apparently.

He opened it up, looked inside...and...

-

Deidara glanced upwards as Kakuzu landed on the couch after throwing the food (rather sloppily) in the kitchen.

"Did you just hear a little girl scream, un?"

"No, just Hidan."

"Want to go check on him, un?"

"No."

Deidara shrugged, "I'm sure he'll be fine, un."

"No, It's just I don't give a shit."

"Me neither,un." Deidara sighed in response, and continued watching his precious television.

-

Hidan stared at the horror that lie before him. Tayuya was laying on his bed reading some kind of magazine, not really paying any attention to him at all. Hidan pointed madly at her. "J...just what the fuck did you do?!"

"Take a damn chill pill, I cleaned it, shithead."

"BUT THIS ROOM WAS FUCKING PARADISE!"

Tayuya chuckled madly at him, refusing to look over. "Paradise my ass, paint on the wall, trash on the floor, oh, and does your ENTIRE paycheck go into pornography,hm?"

"Paaaaiiint, oh my fucking Jasshin , where is it?"

Tayuya glanced over to him for a brief second. Then pointed a finger to the window over his bed. he looked at it with horror. _SO THATS WHY IT FELL OUT!_

"I don't know where in your demented fucking mind you decided that you could.."

"For shit's sake stop being such a whiny little bitch," She moaned, "What's with men and their damned rooms HAVING to be a fucking mess?" She turned to the wall on the bed, so she wouldn't be facing him whilst he went into the male equivalent of a hissy fit. She rolled her eyes, annoyed.

"DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME, BITCH!"

"HOW CAN _YOU_ TELL?!" She roared back, "You're on the opposite side of me!"

"But you ARE!"

"Shutup, fucking prick."

-Quite a while later-

Hidan and Tayuya were now sitting on opposite sides of the room, staring at the walls. Deidara was standing next to the door outside, Kisame walked by, peered in, then looked to Deidara.

"How long have they been like this?"

Deidara sighed. "About three hours now, un."

"What exactly are you doing standing out here?"

"I was going to tell her to pick up the kitchen while she was at it, un" Deidara replied simply, shifting his feet back in forth with a mixture of annoyance and boredom that seemed everlasting. "After all thats the reason we bouuuuu.."

He drug off from there, grinning nervously to Kisame. "I mean she was cleaning anyway,un." He sighed quietly. He beat his head on the wall a bit. "The problem being; I'm afraid if I go in there, they are going to declare war on each other while I stand there. I'm pretty sure the leader won't be too thrilled if I kill Hidan as well as half our building,un."

"Oh."

-

"..."

"..."

"..."

No one said anything for awhile in that room.Tayuya felt her stomach rustle madly. _Damn it...I'm hungry._ She shifted back and forth. She shifted her eyes, glaring over to Hidan. He was still staring at the wall. Paying no attention. She had bets that he was sitting there thinking horrible things to say to her. The prick. Or thinking perverted thoughts or something. He was probably thinking things like: _"Ha ha, stupid whore, maybe I'll rape her in her sleep."_ She paused. _HELL NO HE DIDN'T! _Somehow in her messed up imagination she had told herself this. As well as made herself actually believe it. She rushed over to him, lifting her foot she flung it into the back of his head.

"Ah, WHAT THE HELL!"

"THATS FOR THOSE PERVERTED THOUGHTS YOU WERE THINKING!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"You were thinking horrible things about me, weren't you, you sick fuck!"

"I was half asleep, damn it!"

"Lying bastard!" She shouted at him. Coming off along the lines of mentally insane. She grabbed him by the back of the head and he shoved her off. She went a little bit too fast, and hit her head on the bed rail.

"Ow, that hurt.."

-

Deidara and Kisame were still watching, and Kakuzu had been attracted as well. It was like watching one of those reality TV shows, exept it was actually reality instead of scripted. (Yeah, I said it.)

"Ummm...did he really just do that."

"Well...she backed into something, that doesn't count, un."

"...I wonder if she thinks that."

-

She rubbed the back of her head. Then stood back up. The room filling with that creepy aura. Hidan shrugged.

"Watch where you fall then."

(Insert Psycho music)

"What's your fucking deal?"

"Hello?"

"Ummm"

"Oh SHI.."

-

'Think we should stop them?" Kisame questioned, seemingly not as worried as one would think from the tone of which he asked that.

"Nah, un" Deidara replied. "They should be alright, un."

"Don't care, eh?" Kakuzu asked. Deidara nodded.

"Exactly."

* * *

A/N-sorry it was late, un! eh hehe heh had a lot to update on lately. Plus I was in a rush. So this chapter probably isnt anything great.

CHEERIOS!  
EVERYONE WISH MY FRIEND ANNU-CHAN A HAPPY B-DAY! (Even if its late!)


	11. Masters Of Disguise!

A/N-Is this one a lil late? Ah well I'm bored anyways, so I'm just going to shutup and start typing...Ah Kabuto and them are in this chappie

I Dont own anything mentioned in this story.

* * *

_**-Chapter 11- Masters of Disguise**_

Kisame was came back up to the door with a bag of non- name-brand of potato chips.As Deidara and Kakuzu were still sitting in front of the door. Deidara nodded knowingly towards him. Signifying he knew he was there.

"Still at it?" Kisame asked, curiously.

"Yep, yeah." Deidara replied in an irritated tone. "It's still funny but I still need the mop and broom."

-

Hidan rubbed his head in agony. "What the fuck was that for?! You backed into it on your damn own!" She said nothing. For her look explained all. Pure, pure frenzy, with a little bit of urge to rip Hidan's head off through his ass.

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING SHOVED ME ANYWAYS YOU SHITHEAD ASS!"

"Bitch."

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT!" Tayuya walked over to a closet and pulled out what appeared to be masking tape. Hidan and the others stared blankly. Deidara scratched his head. _And what is she going to do with that?_ In a swift motion she ran across the room, she laid down the masking tape in a line.

"What the fuck, un?" Deidara stared

-

"I'm not doing it Kabuto." Sasuke argued upon seeing the "thing" Kabuto was handing him. Kabuto gave him a glare. He rubbed at his eyes. Those contacts he bought on ebay were pure murder. Everything looked a bit red in tint, as well. He passed it towards Sasuke again.

"We have to make sacrifices, Sasuke, this was the only one left in Orochimaru's secret wall stash that will fit you." He replied clearly. Pushing it towards him until Sasuke eventually took it from him. "Good boy."

"I hate you Kabuto.." Sasuke growled angrily, retreating to a place no one could see him. Sakon tapped Kabuto on the shoulder.

"We have to do something about Kidoumaru..." He muttered. "He won't stop bitching about it."

Kabuto turned over fully behind him, seeing the precise thing Sakon was warning him about. Kidoumaru was running around in a circle almost deliriously. Screaming: "IT HURTS IT HURTS!" Like some sort of madman. Geez, maybe it stung a little but that's no reason to constantly scream and have a mental breakdown over. Kabuto shook his head.

"Kidoumaru..CALM DOWN!" He growled. He approached Kidou and smacked him across the face. Kidoumaru gave him a mad look from that.

"But it hurts!" He retorted, "It's still bleeding...I'm going to bleed to death!"

"No...you aren't."

"Use your jutsu to help me, Kabuto!"

"No...I'm not."

"But.."

"No BUT'S, KIDOUMARU!"

Kidoumaru looked away from him, sulking. "Yes sir." Kabuto didn't get why he was being such a bitch about it at all. After all, how was he supposed to pass as someone else if he still had those extra arms. They cut them off pretty fast. The pain should of ended earlier.

"Then it's settled then.." Kabuto grinned. "I'll go get mine ready too." He started off towards one of the bathrooms. He took a small glance back. "BE RIGHT BACK!"

The rest of the room paused. The way he said that was creepy. Creepier than Jirobo after a fifty-day starvation diet. Sakon glanced over the thing he was supposed to wear. He grimaced. It was...pink...and frilly..just why the hell did Orochimaru even have this? Did Kabuto really expect him to wear this abomination. He let his eyes move to the head coming out of his back. Ukon was not going to like this. Yet..then again. Ukon never had to know. Never...had..to...know. The evil thoughts filled his mind. He took a walk to the kitchen, scrummaging through the leftovers in the cabinet until he found it. The almighty can of Filberts. Ukon was highly allergic to them. Orochimaru kept them around to keep him under control during full moons. Just one of these babies would have him out for three hours. He shoveled about fifteen out into his hands. He reached to his back, poking the sleeping Ukon's head. He jumped awake. Making Sakon jump as well. They did share the same body. However Sakon sometimes forgot that.

"Hey, bro!"

"Whaaaat?" Ukon moaned wearily. "Have a snack!" He tried to pass them over. However quickly remembered Ukon also did not have his own arms. He instead shoved them into his mouth. Ukon flipping out. He swallowed.

"What the hell was..."

Ukon said no more. _That was fast...hope I didn't overdose it._

He cheered in victory. Then scratched his arm. Then grinned, and then, once again scratched his arm. He paused. Coming to a horrible realization. If he and Ukon shared the same body. They were allergic to the same things. Then how come he could never recall passing out from them. He scratched uncontrollably. Then looked down at his arm.

Because he simply had a different type of reaction.

He beheld his skin, now covered with grossly discolored boil-like markings on his skin.

In the other room. The scream of a little girl was heard. That little girl not only not in fact a girl...he was also an eighteen years old criminal. Unlikely, no? He ran into the room, Jirobo, dressed as something that resembled a biker stared madly. The thing before him was hideous. A true monster of hell. He sheilded his eyes. He didn't want to look upon it. Sasuke walked out from the shadows. Which seemed to be his only friend. The people in the room were briefly distracted from the hideousness of Sakon, by the ever girl-ish looking Sasuke Uchiha.

Even Sakon excused himself. He paused. Then chuckle in amusement.

"Sa...Sasuke? Oh my god.." He held his breath for a moment. Trying to prevent himself from roaring in laughter. Failing horribly. "I knew you were a pansy, but this takes the friking cake!"

"SHUTUP...Sakon? What the hell happened to you?"

"I could ask the same thing, Sara!"

Sasuke gave up his question. Uchiha Sasuke had been through a lot in his life. His family was merciliously slaughtered by his elder brother. He had to support himself in his own apartment. He had to deal with life-threatening missions, and of course he had that horrible day which he had to deal with that non-name brand mattress. But never. Never had anyone dared to call _him_ a girls' name. Was the outfit not enough?! Was the world not going to be satisfied till they had stolen all his pride and honor?!

"Sakon...shut-up." Sasuke snarled angrily.

"I'm sorry, but geez!" He couldn't stop. Like one of those pre-schooler TV shows. So grotesque but you can not dare look away. After all, how many chances did you have to see Sasuke in a pink Unicorn and rainbow belly button shirt? Topped off with a blue jean skirt and rainbow hair clips? (BESIDES Deviantart!) He would kill for a camera. It would be all over the internet but unfortunatley, he did not own one. Stupid movers.

Kidoumaru rose his hand randomly. "Anyone got a band-aid?"

"Shut-up, Kidou, you'll be fine."

Kidoumaru was still quite unsure of that. He never heard of the idea that when one cuts off another's arms it heals back up immedeatly. Frankly, from his present experience. His vision was getting a tad blurry now.

_Kidou, you can do this, just..stand up and act like they're still there._

_C'mon.._

_You can do it..._

"BE QUIET VOICE IN MY HEAD!" He shouted crazily. Everyone ignoring him. Kabuto wandered in. They glared. He had made them wear these ridiculous things and this is what Kabuto did. He dyed his hair brown. BROWN! He put in some contacts, which completely gave the whole thing away. He looked around the room.

"Ugh, Sakon, eating the Filberts, again?"

Sakon gave him no reply. He looked the other way.

His eyes turned to Sasuke. Then burst into laughter. "Oh my god, it looks weirder than I thought!"

Sasuke groaned. "I really...really..hate you Kabuto."

"Yeah, I know."

Sasuke examined him a little closer. "Are those Sharingan contacts?"

* * *

A/N- This chapter was cut off..it was supposed to return to Akatsuki but I took too long to do this chapter and My dad doesn't like me writing this one, so time is of the essence. I guess you could treat it like...a short? 


	12. The coming of Satan

A/N- Okay..all of my stories are going to be updated..at one time. So those of you read my other stories, or have on your author alerts are about to get like 5 chapter alerts at once. Just a warning.

I do not own Naruto. Just a reminder there.

Oh Yes, i also wish to (once again) Give thanks to Cheapy corp for that Picture she posted on Deviantart!!!!!

THANKEE-SAI!

* * *

**_Chapter 12- Arrival of the Satan _**

**_(Yeah just a little)_**

Hidan stared blankly at the line of masking tape between him and Tayuya He frowned slightly. Looking up at Tayuya's triumphant grin with confusion he scratched his head a bit.

"What the fuck was that?"

"I split the room in two."

"What?"

"That's your side and this ones mine."

"Like in those stupid ass Nick sitcoms?"

"Eh, maybe."

There was an awkward, long pause across the room, while Deidara and company still sat outside the door, now munching constantly on a bag of Habanero Doritos. Starting to get bored now.

He got up from the floor. The temptation was too much for Hidan. Time to piss her off more. Especially due to the fact he had just realized she had just sealed him in one corner. He grinned, sliding his right foot ever so slowly across the line.

"Hey, bitch, look I stepped over!"

Tayuya gave him a mean look. _So you wanna play that way, huh? Fine by me, shithead._

He stuck his foot over again, and a loud slam was heard. Hidan glanced down, to see her foot smash his poor, unprotected toes. _Stupid ass ninja shoes. _

He bit down to try and ignore the pain_. Lige a big man, Hidan, act like she didn't break that pinkie toe. You've had soo much worse. Decapitation, Hidan...Decapitation._ He took a big, deep breath, finally getting over it somewhat.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!" He shouted, filled with his man-pride. "A little sissy move."

The word "sissy" was not one of Tayuya's choice of words. The tomboy had managed to avoid that word since the third grade when she beat the dogshit out of a kid for using it in reference to her. Last she heard he was still in a wheelchair or something. Paralyzed. Some shit like that. But that was a bit besides the point. No one..no one ever had called her that since. She wasn't making any exeptions today.

"What..did you call me...you little prick..."

Deidara grinned. Kisame looked at him oddly. "What?"

"It's going to get interesting again, un."

She lifted the masking tape again, in a very threatening manner. Hidan laughing madly in her face. Her eyes giving him the evilest of evil stares.

"What, you going to make another line?"

She approached him quite slowly, with the tape in her hands, Hidan still doubting she was going to do anything. She looked up.

"Oh, please, what the fuck do you think, you're going to do?"

-Five seconds later-

Tayuya sat on the bed, tossing her masking tape roll with a grin. As Hidan struggled with the tape that had been pushed on his mouth.

"Face the wrath of the Masking tape jutsu, you little sonuvabitch."

"Deidara-sempai! WHAT'S THE MASKING TAPE JUTSU!?"

Deidara froze. He turned to Tobi who had magically seemed to teleport there.

"Where the hell...did you come from, un?"

"Up there!" He pointed at the ceiling. Deidara glared at the gaping hole in the roof.

"Why couldn't you just use the door, un?"

"Well, there was a salesman there Sempai!"

Deidara paused a bit. Something about that seemed slightly off about that statement. He and Kisame exchanged looks. Then Kisame exchanged looks with Kakuzu. Unfortunatly, Itachi was no longer there to keep up the chain. Deidara, standing and turning to his somewhat incompetent partner in..evilness.

"What did this 'Salesman' look like?"

"Well, he was dressed all weird...he had on like..this long black dress with these red clouds..who would wear something like that?"

Deidara and the rest looked at him blankly. Tobi just reaching a new level of idiocy. "Tobi...YOU'RE wearing that, un." He muttered, annoyed. "So am I, Kisame, Itachi, and the rest of us in that fashion. Un."

"So?"

Blank stares. Deidara had to think it over for awhile. _Kisame, Kakuzu, and myself are here. Tobi not quite here in mind, but in body. Hidan's getting into another arguement, Zetsu's in the living room, standing in the corner...and that woman's still in the kitchen closet. So..that's eight of us..then it could only be..._

"Oh shit, un." Deidara muttered in realization. "The leader's here."

Everybody froze, well, other than the still unkowing Tayuya and Hidan. Kakuzu shivered. "Remember what happened the last time the leader came by?"

Deidara had a sudden rememberance of the mental stress they went through each time. He would go by their rooms and have some sort of mental breakdown if you're socks weren't folded evilly enough. This would be Tobi's first inspection since he started doing them last year. He..was dead. Plain dead.

Deidara peered into Hidan's room.

"Run...run away, the leader's here, un."

Hidan froze and was then struck by a lone shoe thrown by Tayuya in the head. He could hear his funeral coming. The room was too clean! What if clean isn't evil? Speaking that the leader's idea on the word 'evil' seemed to change every week.

Deidara stared at Tayuya, with a look that said something that she could not quite understand. But she didn't like it at all.

What was worse is that they had no time left.

-

"So, you want me to what?"

"Stay in the attic, and never leave until he's gone, un."

"WHAT?!"

Deidara sighed. This had to be dealt with quick. Who knew how long he had been out there. Waiting. Waiting, and waiting. Okay you get the point. The leader. Was a total ass. The drill sergeant of evil and bullshit. The master of mayhem and destruction and...strangely restriction. Even though that didn't seem to match up with the others at all.

They heard a loud beat on the door, which suprisingly they had not heard earlier.

Deidara noticed the bathroom behind him. He looked around and shoved her in with a shout of.

"Stay in there! He won't look in there, un." He looked at Hidan with a face that told him he was screwed. After all the last year he only survived due to the evil religion. Now that his paint was gone. The leader would think he gave up his religion and was not evil enough. Of course. He loved that word.

Evil.

Evil.

It echoed in their minds like so many broken records, until they smashed the cd player on the floor. Then the record player kept playing.

Evil.

Evil.

They heard another beating on the door. And the horror began.

Tayuya still standing a bit blankly in the bathroom. "I'm kind of huingry."

-

"Hit the lights. un." Deidara muttered and Kakuzu flashed them off. "You know how he is about the lights."

* * *

A/N- Sorry about this chapter folks, I was in a rush and my alerts are broken so it kind of turned into a transitional chapter.

Sorry.

really, really, sorry!


	13. Even This Chapter Number is EVIL!

A/N- The mighty stereotypical evil mastermind that is Al. BEHOLD MY MINIONS AND FETCH ME SOME DRUGS CUZ ITS GONNA BE A LONG TRIP!

I do not own Naruto

* * *

**_Chapter 13- Even this chapter number is EVIL _**

(IT IS DAMN IT!)

On a mental note, basements (or was it an attic?) are not among the top places to reccomend staying in for any period of time. The ceiling was constantly leaking, and the floors kept creaking and Tayuya could swear she saw a rat earlier, but she couldn't be quite sure. She sat down and rocked slightly back and forth. Every five seconds it was "drip, drip, drip." it was driving her into insanity. So annoying, so irritating. So completely frustrating she felt like driving random objects through the walls until it stopped. Though she couldn't quite explain to herself how that would work.

Dripping, and dripping. More dripping. Even more dripping. It...just...would...not...stop.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!?!?!?!?" She screamed in disgruntled fashion. Getting no response. What were you expecting? It's a fricking pipe for crissake. She muttered un-translatable nonsense to herself while downstairs her happy prison wardens stirred in their places.

-

Deidara sighed before opening the doors, in a few seconds, as the doors flew open he put on the fakest, most un-sincere smile he could. However, as he saw the leader, clad in akatsuki cloak and sakkat placed _very securely _on his head, in fact it was tied with about eighteen different bands connected. Like he was desperately afraid of it coming off or something. There was a long, brutal silence as they merely stared blankly back and forth, forth and back.

"Come...in?" Deidara muttered, oddly toned. The leader said nothing for a moment.

"Are the lights off?"

"Yes, boss, the lights are _off_, un." Deidara groaned slightly, all the while keeping up that atrocious fake smile. The leader let himself in as Deidara closed the door. "By the way, stop that ridiculous grinning, you look like you've been hitting the reefer."

Deidara's smile, instantly died into the most displeased smile imaginable. His eyes scrolled through the room, noticing the different Silhouettes, and also counting them. He shivered, elbowing the large figure next to him, Kisame.

"Hm?" Kisame muttered, scratching his gills. Deidara shook his head.

"_Where the hell is that stupid runt?!"_

"Who?"

_"TOBI!"_

"How do you expect me to know? I can't see anything in here."

"Fine, un.." Deidara growled. That was SO much help. If they didn't know where he was, how could they _possibly keep him under constant surveillance?_ The leader took eight minutes unstrapping his over-protected headgear. He tossed in on the couch. At least, so they thought. For they could not exactly see that well with the lights out like that.

"To the kitchen!" He muttered in a way that showed it should have been more dramatic. It was time for the inspection of hell. Starting with the fridge raid. Of course it simply would not be the same if he _DIDN'T _throw all the food on the floor in the process of doing such. They had just went shopping as well, and they were already out of eggs, due to the fact they had now been smashed on the floor. Kakuzu almost fainted.

"Eggs, bacon, _yogurt?! _What is this trash?" He growled, holding up a gogurt to Kisame's face, who started to answer him, only getting a:

"I wasn't talking to you seaman, I was asking Sasori."

There was a long pause in the room. The last time they had checked the leader already knew about that fire a few weeks ago, rendering poor Sasori and his wooden self incapacitated. Heh, he was getting to be a nuisance anyways. Kisame was also curious on why exactly the leader had to wav the Go-gurt in _his _face, while asking his _stupid rhetorical questions to dead people?!_

_"_Sasori is...dead, remember, un?"

The pause continued on, the leader still looking at Kisame, even though Deidara was the one talking to him.

"Then, fishman, _what is this?" _

_If he doesn't stop calling me those stupid names I swear I'm going to.._

_"Well?!"_

"I believe it is called...food?"

"No, wrong answer, goldfish." The leader scowled, throwing the yogurt to the floor, and stepping on it, sending yogurt all over the place. "It's trash, pure trash."

"What?" Kisame argued, this entire theory of Yogurt being trash of all things had to be blasphemous. How could something that tasted so good be trash? The leader was off his rocker.

He sorted through the fridge again, throwing more and more to the ground. "Where are the bat-wings, the worms and human eyes?"

The room paused, shivering. What...the...fuck. Guess he was going through the stereotypical evil superhero villain phase.

Hidan, being stupid as usual had to argue. "You can't _eat _crap like that! That's...nasty as hell!"

"Yet you call this pathetic excuse of a food supply _evil?!" _He pulled out a six-pack of budweiser. Frowning, he displayed it to the group of evil, maniacal akatsuki members. "You have beer. What kind of villain sits around off duty drinking beer?! What do I pay you people for? Is my entire staff a bunch of lazy, TV-watching, beer-guzzling teenage twits?!"

Deidara groaned, how _wonderful_. This was such a _brilliant _start of this wonderful day. One could compare it to a de-railed train. Or like how Sasori would better understand, Being made of wood and being lit on fire. Slowly waiting to hurry up and die before some asshole made it worse.

Deidara looked to his feet. Shadows of food all around him. He knew he wasn't cleaning up this bullshit. Itachi was standing in the back, the lucky bastard was pretty smart. If the leader could barely see him, he should be a bit safer from questioning. Not like Itachi had anything to be afraid of, mind you. Well, there was one little thing. Well, what the leader didn't know, wouldn't hurt Itachi.

But still, where was _Tobi_?!

-

Tayuya's eyes were getting a bit unfocused. Just what was that scurrying sound? The excessive dripping still hadn't stopped. She started gritting her teeth nervously.

_Drip drip drip, it never stops, how wonderful it just goes on and aon and on and on and on and on and on and fucking on._

She heard another drop and another scurry.

_You think this is funny, don't you, you stupid drop? You like to keep coming and making annoying noises, yeah you think you're some Sinbad, huh? Go and laugh about it with your little drop buddies. Saying:_

_"Hey I made that girl trip out."_

_Yeah, you're a real class act, don't you. Don't you!_

"DON'T YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING DROP BASTARD!"

It had finally happened. Tayuya had completely lost her mind. She grabbed the nearest object that was holdable by hand, just as the door slightly slid open, and she thrust it towards the pipe just above her. The water pressure, as result from the hit, burst through the pipes, sending water just about..everywhere.

"HI!" A childish voice screamed, as the door opened completely, then the figure was blown away with water. After awhile it began draining into the floors outside. She exited the basement immeadeatly, closing the door behind her. However the logic behind how that would stop the flow is lacking explanation. So to put it simply. It just doesn't matter anymore.

Tayuya took a look at her dress and sighed. Why did it have to be white? Why couldn't Orochimaru design the Sound uniforms to be black, or blue..or ANY kind of dark color? As for most girls who know what happens when you get wet when wearing white clothes, it bites.

Tobi was lying on the ground, in shock from his little water encounter. He got back up after a few minutes. Looked at Tayuya, then just stared. She frowned.

"What the hell are you looking at, stalker-kid?!"

"YOU HAVE BOOBS!"

Pause. Tayuya waited about five seconds before slamming Tobi in the face with a cold, hard fist. Perverted little punk. She was soaked, and great, she didn't have any spare clothes, did she? SHIT! Were those stupid men done with their stupid man-meetings yet. Great. Just great. Now how was she going to even _ask?!_ They would keep staring and staring and staring at her. Typical manly cretinism. She already had the stupid stalker-kid gaping at her. What about that stupid Hidan? She saw his magazine collection.

All the rest of them were probably just as bad.

-

Deidara had barely survived. Thank you god for those gargoyle commisions he did on Deviantart. Glorious, glorious day. Kisame got extra points for his secret pirahna wife. Who knew? For some reason he avoided going into Itachi's room. No one really understood why, but when asked he simply changed the subject on how the walls should be painted with evil alien wall markings. Thus making himself even more obvious. It was Tobi's turn, but Tobi wasn't there. They walked in anyways, seeing the still completely Rin-covered walls, and the dead dog in the corner and everything. Deidara sighed.

_He's doomed. Un._

"This...is..." The leader began as Kakuzu tried to duck for cover.

"PERFECT!"

Deidara looked up. _Excuse me? He must be joking._

"Being some sort of..crazy...psycho stalkerist is always a wonderful, exquisite style of evilness."

"YOU MUST BE JOKING, UN!"

"Down, down, Deidara, no reason to be jealous, it isn't improving your evil score anyways."

_Oh, fuck you._

Hidan was next and final. Luckily for Kakuzu, all he had in his room were books on how to rip out people's hearts for dummies. Plus a few sample containers. Creepy. The Leader barely stepped through the door, and his face reverted to disgust.

"Hidan, tell me, what is wrong with this room?"

Hidan paused. Great. The bitch had doomed him. He knew it. The leader was going to chew his ass out now. All because of...

"You call _that _a bedsheet?"

Hidan paused. "You mean you aren't mad about the room being clean?"

"Nonsense, what is wrong with cleanliness? Where did you get such a fatuous idea?" The Leader replied, as if Hidan were retarded.

_From you last time, jackass. _Was the thought that went through his mind. As the leader stared grossly at his bedsheets.

"I ask for evil and you give me _navy_." The leader muttered in anger. "NAVY! What an un-meaningful color. Why don't you simply make them gray, or _white _Hidan?! Why?"

"It's not that big a deal! It's just a fucking color!"

"It _is _a big deal, you flea on the back of the apes of evil!"

Hidan paused. "Excuse me?" He twitched slightly. "What the hell that even supposed to mean?"

"Hidan, don't argue, he'll be here longer, un."

"SHUTUP DEIDARA!"

"How pathetic, he can't even get along with women." The leader sighed.

Hidan turned on him.

"OH AND YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not a girl, un."

"You keep your girlfriend locked here in that closet! And you tell me that! Prick.."

_Not like you're any better, Hidan. Un. _Deidara thought as those words came out.

"That is my own evil business, and not yours!"

"Ass."

There was a long pause and steps were suddenly heard. Suddenly there was a "flick" sound. One the leader himself dreaded. As the lights flicked on in Hidan's room, there was a loud screech of terror.

"Hey, why the fuck do you losers have all the damned lights off?" Tayuya's voice cut in, then her eyes shot to the screaming leader in the middle of the now light-filled room.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF! TURN OFF THOSE ACCURSED DAMNED LIGHTS!"

Deidara walked over to the switch, saw Tayuya's position, and upon chuckling to himself, flicked off the lights.

"One of you idiots, tell me who this is?" The leader's voice lowered back down.

"Um..that is...um...um..." Kisame muttered, then paused. "Hidan's girlfriend?"

Tayuya got a shock from that. "Excuse me?"

"A NAME please?"

Kisame looked over to Hidan and shrugged. Yeah, like HE was supposed to know.

"Hey, she's YOUR girlfriend."

" I am not, by god, nor will I EVER be his mother fuc.."

Hidan grabbed her.

"Shutup, just play along and he'll go away, I can't stand this bastard." He muttered lowly. So the Leader would be unable to hear. "Umm...what's your name again? I forgot."

She paused. Not a single bastard in this room could remember her name. How nice of them. She sighed.

"Tayuya."

"Tammy?"

"TAYUYA."

"Fine, don't be a bitch about it." He paused a bit. "Hehehe, hey, you're all wet."

"Shutup."

There was yet another awkward pause.

"Um, her name is um...Tam, I mean Tayuya." Hidan mumbled. _Happy now, you fucking evil-obssessed ass..._

"How coulds the likes of you, Hidan. Get this fine specimen?"

_What the hell am I? A science project?  
_

As he approached Hidan separated, he didn't want to get to close to the leader. There might be some kind of "evil rule" about that. How could a person leer in the dark? He was doing it, yet something about it seemed...impossible. Maybe after about twenty years your eyes adapt? Her head was starting to hurt from thinking about it too much.

"Congratulations Hidan, you pass."

Thus the room was once again silent. His logic made no sense to anyone. Why did he pass again? Too confusing.

"Anyone who could get such a..presentable..young woman and still be evil is like a god!"

Tayuya spit off to the side. "Yeah, whatever, dumbass."

"Yeah, she's _real_ fucking presentable." He muttered quietly.

"What was that, Hidan?"

"Nothing!"

"I thought so."

-

After a few moments the leader finally went downstairs, but just to see the closet lady. There were a few angry shouts heard from downstairs before a door slammed and they knew he had finally left. Relationship problems Tayuya could easily guess. Not really that much of a suprise. She's locked in a closet for pete's sake. Tayuya knew she'd be pissed. But from the mere thought of it, closet lady was probably insane herself. Just like her wonderful, incompetent, evil-loving lover. Or something like that.

Deidara flicked the lights back on. Then, chuckled in direction of Tayuya again.

"Shut up, Deidre. It isn't funny."

"Actually, it's very amusing, un."

Hidan looked over, as did the rest of them. What is it with men? Itachi was the only one who wasn't staring. Itachi, that's it. Sasuke would probably be with these idiots right now. Or trying to explain to Itachi why he was going to kill him for about three episodes of time.

"All of you better turn around right now and shut the hell up, and stop looking at me like I'm some peice of motherfucking meat before I take a stick and shove it straight up your perverted bitch ass shithead.."

Unfortunatly the male mind des not process this. In such situations it merely comes out like so:

"Blah blah blah blah blah boobs! blah blah blah blah boobs!"

For men are mentally retarded for things like that.

"MR.ITACHI!" Tobi grinned. "ARE YOU GAY!?"

Itachi shook his head.

"Never ask me that again." Itachi muttered. "I am simply not some inexperienced twit like the rest of you."

"What does that mean?"

Tayuya needed new clothes. Before she massacred them all. ALL OF THEM WOULD DIE IF THIS KEPT UP!

* * *

A/N- been awhile since I posted but here you go. I had really bad Writers block last week and the week before.

Well here ya go!


	14. The Closet Lady

A/N- I am sooooo sorry!!!! This is so hugely, horribly late. T.T okay, okay. I'm taking a break from my chapter stories for awhile but I'm going to update this before I go for.. (I may take a month long break. Maybe two.) SO SO SORRY! Here you go. It's a bit more serious than usual I think. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

I do not own naruto, it belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and he holds all the rights which I do not. I also do not own Brookshire Brothers.

* * *

**_-Chapter 14- The Closet Lady._**

"Thank you for shopping at Brookshire Brothers, that will cost you 54.99, sir!"

Kabuto's sick mind found this line of work amusing somehow. Maybe he was just a people person, maybe it was the employee benefits, or actually it was because he had every opportunity to rob the cash register every time the manager looked off.

Whenever he was asked why he was light on money, he would shrug and make up a story about how he saw Sasuke lingering around it earlier. Worked every time. He chuckled lightly. Glancing around. Sasuke was bagging the grocieries, at peace that the Brookshire Brothers had uniforms. _THANK GOD! _Sakon and Ukon, were comfortably Security guards, Jirobo the master of Customer service. That worked. No customer ever asked for service again. They were all too afraid to go over there.

Kidoumaru had a comfortable job as the free sample guy.

-By the free sample table.-

"Young man, young man are you okay?" Poked an elderly woman, jabbing his head as he lied motionless on the table. She didn't bother noticing all the blood on the floor. "Young man, do you need some help?" He twitched. Only slightly.

It took three days for someone to finally realize he wasn't sleeping on the job and call the hospital. When interrogated on why the now hospitalized Kidou had four massive bloody wounds in the sides of his torso, Kabuto shrugged lightly, and then, once again, made up a story about Sasuke lingering around the cash register.

"Sir, what does that have to do with his wounds?"

"Maybe he called him out. You know. The guy has horrible emotional problems. Like this one time.."

"Kabuto..I'll kill you." Sasuke growled, being in the same interrogation space. "If you don't stop this bullshit..."

They were lucky cops never care about who works at grocery stores. Otherwise they would've been arrested for their serious crimes against humanity already. Plus that guy Kabuto tripped earlier on his bike.

The cop guys cell phone rang,and was swiftly answered to.

"Tsk, Tsk, I got some bad news."

"OH MY GOD WE...I MEAN SOMEONE KILLED KIDOUMARU!" Jirobo roared.

-

Living with a bunch of men means they _had _to turn the air conditioner on to about negative fifty damn degrees. Wet clothes, cold weather. She had to keep her hands folded over her chest the whole time. There had to be something simpler. Why were there no girls in this damned organization of misfit losers? Why? Just one to maybe...lend her _SOMETHING_ to wear. Plus after too long it would get mildewed...and yeccch.

They had at least moved on to the living room. She sat in the dark, shady corner of evil. Like some recluse.

"Why don't you assholes get some female members?"

"Hey we have one!" Kisame chuckled. "If you aren't afraid to go in there."

"Where?" Tayuya growled demandingly.

Tobi was the first to turn around.

"TO THE CAVE OF NO RETURN!" He roared like some insane cackling freak.

There was a pause throughout the room. Tayuya blinked a few times, making sure to keep her chest covered.

"What fucking drugs are you on and can you get me some?"

Tobi sniffled. "Drugs are bad! Tobi is a good boy!"

"He means the closet next to the kitchen, un." Deidara sighed, glancing over to his moping partner with a look of displeasure. "The leader's girlfriend lives in there."

Tayuya had very few memories of the closet in the kitchen. That loud call for food. Plus, any woman that would date that freak had to be outta her fucking mind. Completely out of it. Plus agreeing to live in a closet didn't play much for her sanity either.

But then again it was better then a bunch of standing in front of a bunch of men as they eye you to see if you'll drop your guard and your arms. Anything was better than that. Even maybe...being with Orochimaru and gang. She stopped herself. She couldn't have really just thought that.

_Bad mind, bad mind. _

In a few minutes she ended up in front of the closet. A bag of chips in hand. Hey nervousness leads to hunger. She had to cover with only one hand.

"Sempai! She's going in!" Tobi squealed. "Shouldn't we stop her?"

Itachi sighed. "You act as if she's going to battle with some fierce animal." He muttered in apathetic fashion.

"What? You aren't worried about how awful the leader's girlfriend is? Why would he keep her in a closet? Un."

"..." No response came from Itachi. Deidara sighed. Of course.

-

The lights were on. That was a good thing. Unlike her insane partner she was vampiric. That's a good sign.

Problem number one: Where exactly was she?

"HEY!"

Tayuya almost jumped. Her head twisted around. There was her answer. Upon realizing someone was coming in she had hidden next to the door. "Don't you fucking do that again." She breathed.

"Are those chips, hand em over!" This lady didn't go for small talk. It took five seconds for Tayuya's chips to be whisked out of her hands. This chick munching on them as fast as she could. "Oh my god these are so...fucking good."

Tayuya stared blankly at this peculiar eating ritual of hers. She did look a bit malnourished. Scrawny and colorless to the sight. What the hell, was the leader not permitting her to have food or what? She frowned as the bag was emptily tossed on the floor.

"So, whatcha,want?" She muttered. Yawning slightly. "Never seen you before. Plus most the guys stay outta here."

_Seems like all of them to me. _

The Closet lady started madly adjusting her cerulean-colored hair, re-arranging the flower secured on her head. The works. Almost in an obsessive manner.

"You wouldn't have any..spare clothes..would you?"

"Yeah, whatever, sure. Knock yourself out." She muttered, pointing over to a dresser at the edge of the room. "Bring me more of that food you have and you're free to take what ya want."

Of course the food. However that wasn't mainly the thing she was curious about. She chuckled at what the answer might be.

"How the hell did you and the crazy ass vampire of a leader hook up?"

She almost burst into laughter. In fact she did. Leaning against her wall laughing her ass off. "The son of a bitch got me drunk, and when I woke up here I was!" She almost couldn't stop. "Then the bastard just started demanding all this shit, saying we were a couple. Frankly, he's out of his mind."

_Well, that makes sense. _Tayuya thought. _He's driven her insane._

Tayuya worked through the drawers. Interesting choice of wardrobe she had. Well, it could have been worse. But they were all a bit too _revealing. _Or just girly. She'd take revealing.

"So who got you drunk and dragged you here by force?"

"My bastard team members placed an ad and I'm more or less just playing along."

"Your team members _sold you_?"

"Yep, pretty fucking much." Tayuya shrugged. "Never liked the bastards anyway."

"So, you like sleep on their couch or something and do slave labor?"

"Heh, I wish, I'm roomed me up with this jackass named Hidan."

The closet lady chuckled, making Tayuya pause slightly. Sorting through any motives for that sinister little thing.

"I see, then." She chuckled again, making Tayuya shiver that time. "So how well do you guys get along?"

_What is this a police interrogation? _

"He's a loser, perverted, and dumbass sonuvabitch who I desire with all my heart to be smashed, cut into pieces and burned only to have his ashes thrown into the deepest darkest pits of the universe and compressed into a mass of fucking nothingness."

"Ooh, harsh." She cooed. "Yet, cute."

"What the hell is _cute _about it?"

* * *

A/N- Well I think this is a decent spot to leave off for a little break. (Even though I cut off, SEEYA!) 


	15. The Very Late Chapter About Clothing

**A/N- This is dedicated to LyAlive(She has the right to complain because she actually reviews. YAY for once someone who has the right.) for being about the fiftieth person to tell me to force an update. Well now it is time for an excuse. It started with a week of waiting. Then my computer was shut down for a few days, then I had writers block, then I kept procrastinating, forgot where I was and then moved 600 miles. SO that's my story, Not very believable, but fact.**

**Oh, by the way, I do not own Naruto.**

_**

* * *

Chapter 15: The Very Late Chapter about Clothing.**_

"It's one of those clichéd thingies people talk about online!" The closet-lady raised a finger with a dark and evil glare. "You know?"

"What?"

"Oh you _know_!" She went on, "It's like how the fanfiction people write SasuNaru! A love-hate thing…" She watched as the confused glance on Tayuya's face twisted into a somehow even more confused guise.

"I think you've spent a little bit too much time in this fucking closet." She mumbled in response. "I see a hate-hate thing but as far as I see it, that guy can stick his head in a damned blender."

"Fine, fine," Closet lady muttered. "Suit yourself."

Tayuya grimaced at the _eyesore_ she was wearing. She wasn't sure if it was fifteen sizes too small or just plain _skanky_. The azure-haired girl gave her a questioning peer.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing'"

_My god I can't seriously wear this, can I? Ugh it's fucking repulsive._

Leather, and horrible, it was like something out of a Brittney Spears movie if she was on crack at the time. She sighed; at least she wouldn't have to hold her arms up constantly. Now if only she could find a nice blanket to cover her shame…

She took a breath. "Are you coming?" She glanced to Closet-girl.

"Eh, I'll get to it. Don't close the door it locks from the outside."

"Yeah….sure…..whatever," She muttered, and with one last sigh left the room, knowing the moment she stepped into that god-forsaken kitchen. Several men would die. She would start with Hidan.

She moved back into the light and the glare hurt her eyes. She groaned at the inconvenience. Closet girl must melt if she came out here. She chuckled to herself at the thought of the woman melting into a puddle screaming "I'm Melting! I'm melting!" Like in that copyrighted movie she saw when she was six. Then she imagined Hidan melting and her smile just grew larger.

_Okay, what was the way Uncle Jim said to deal with awkward moments? Um right before the big drug deal imagine them as if they were naked, yeah…naked. Okay, or was it to imagine that I'm naked? Wait that won't work…I practically AM naked so yeah it has to be them…them…them. Alright Tayuya, the moment of truth, you can survive with these cock-sucking assholes just a bit longer without going fucking insane. Deep breath, Funny things, Hidan dying, Kabuto shot, and fat people falling down stairs….._

She walked in, and surprisingly, wasn't noticed. She moved down and sat on the couch, staring blankly at the Television as if it were some sort of holy protection, as long as their eyes were fixated on its intoxicating rays, she was safe from lechery. Oh thank you God in heaven.

Little did she know, however, that maybe God was out to get her? She knew how doomed she was the moment she heard those evil words, spat from the speakers of incomprehensible doom.

_"Seinfeld will return after a word from our sponsors."_

"AH SHIT!" She shouted, which only made suffering come swifter. The entire groups of them, once again excluding Itachi, turned their heads on their necks like androids. She sunk into the couch a bit deeper.

She heard a few chuckles.

"It was the only thing…she fucking had." She grumbled. "The only fucking thing other than that god forsaken pink sweater and by God I would not have chosen that disgrace."

_Pretend their naked, naked._

She tried, and about five seconds later decided that was not in her best interest. _AH MY FUCKING EYES!_

"Where's the makeup, un?" Deidara chuckled snidely, "Since you decided to pursue a job as a stripper."

"SHUT THE HELL UP DEIDRE!" She roared.

Silence would not come, every other second another stupid comment.

She glared at Hidan, just waiting for the excuse to tear his head from his body. He returned it. At that moment, it was as if this last second would be the final straw the breaking point in which all her anger turned into a fireball.

The chuckling suddenly stopped.

What was the problem? He was a bit lacking on the smart-ass responses at the moment. Time went on, and as did the small staring competition. Her feet were hurting. She stepped up and down constantly to ease them, only to somehow work.

"Well?" She glared. Another pause, "Does the dumbass have a comment? Or has he finally realized it wasn't worth it?"

"Shut the hell up bitch, I'm just breathless due to the fact that you're way too fat for that outfit."

Tobi let out an "OOOOH" from across the couch.

"Excuse me? What did you just say?"

"You heard me. You're a cow."

There were no chuckles to be heard at this moment. Tayuya twitched just a bit. She took a deep breath.

"Say that again, asswipe." She snapped. "Say that again."

"You're a fucking hog, so why are you even wearing that?"

Another one of those things every girl hates to hear. She was perfectly built as far as she saw it. Except maybe her thighs and her forearms and…. Wait! It was already taking effect. He was using his asshole attitude to hurt her girlishly low self-esteem! That prick, but she wouldn't fall for it, oh no. It was on. IT WAS SO ON.

"Up yours, asshole," She retorted swiftly, regaining her balance. "Mind your own business and go back to man-loving."

Another "OOOH" arose. Itachi rolled his eyes at this. How did this organization get so damned childish? He shook his head.

"Asshole."

"Bitch."

"Shithead."

"Cunt."

"Self-centered wuss."

"Homely, loudmouthed whore!"

It seemed to go on for hours, but things came to end when Closet lady walked in. Tobi started shouting random cries of fear while pointing madly.

"Oh hey guys, what's up?" She grinned, and then looked towards the angry, ranting Tayuya and Hidan just ahead. "Oh, that." Itachi gave her an odd look and she waved.

"Heeeeey, its Itachi. Hi, Itachi, it's been awhile."

Itachi shook his head. She frowned.

"What's your problem? I don't even get a hug or anything?"

"Be quiet Konan." He replied simply, then, looked to the other side of the room.

Deidara blinked at that statement. _That's…. really creepy._

"Moron!" Tayuya shrieked, paying no attention to the other female in the room. She shoved him by the shoulder with a bit too much force, and almost lost her balance in the process of doing such. Hidan, regaining his balance lifted his head at the wrong time, and as a man, and as most men will admit, could not stop looking when his eyes hit the right spot. Tayuya stared. She stared and stared and stared until the moment came when the jackass realized she knew and finally lifted his damned head.

"Get a good look, shithead?" She snapped viciously. "Try that again and hear me, I'll drug you, smash them, cut them off and send them to your mother."

"My mother's dead, dumbass."

"Well…" She paused. What to say back, what to say back? "I'll send them to her fucking _grave_ then!" _Well if I'm so fat why the hell was the dumbass staring so long? Hm?_

"Closet-lady?" She turned, pointing at Konan. "On second thought, I think I'll take that pink friking sweater."

Konan paused. "Oh, okay."

Tayuya stormed ahead. Her anger very evident due to the loud thumps of her steps as she went towards the kitchen. Konan shrugged. "Whatever."

Hidan would swear on his life he only looked for a second. Then again he didn't have a good sense of time, which is why he was celebrating Christmas in August last year. I mean, Christmas in August, what was that? The same goes for her ass as she went to change. Just a second. Just a second.

**_

* * *

A/N- LOOOOL THIS CHAPTER SUCKS SO FRIKING BAD IT'S PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!_**


	16. The Truth About Konan

**A\N- Gaia online influenced me to update sooner than this would have been. Isn't it great? Ah well. I once again hate this chapter.**

**I do not own Naruto. **_**  
**_

* * *

_**Chapter 16- The Truth About Konan**_.

The time flashed 2:33 as she dragged herself through the hallways, eyelids half open, and feet dragging across the brown carpet just asking to absorb static. The mission at hand would be known only as Operation Midnight snack. She almost tripped and fell on her face while she lurked like a zombie down the stairs, only to recover gracefully, by grabbing for the side bars as fast as she could. It was almost enough to wake her up, but not quite.

She didn't bother turning on the light as she walked through the kitchen, shoveling away all the trash foods until she at last found a nice package of yogurt. She gave a sigh, an uneventful walk; she never would have thought it possible.

She froze, she heard a voice somewhere. Could it be that her thoughts betrayed her? Was it time for the gods to point and laugh at her screaming such curses assuring her that oh the torture had just yet begun to occur to it's fullest.

She glanced across the dark room, and then eyed the door to Konan's room.

-10 hours later-

Deidara was the first to rise, being the most civilized of the organization, well, as far as he saw it anyways. He yawned a bit, and then passed her up while she sat in the living room. He would have carried on, but by the time he took one more step he realized something wrong with the situation before him. He stopped, and turned.

"What's your problem, yeah?"

She rocked a bit back and forth, her arms wrapped around her knees, her eyes widened, and marked with dark circles that showed the fact that she had been sitting there the whole night.

"Hello?"

"Oh my god they were all like holy shit, holy mother of fuck…" She sputtered almost randomly as the puzzled Deidara raised an eyebrow. "All I wanted was a yogurt and that was all ah man…..shit."

Kisame came down the stairs, "Hey Deidara,"

"Keep walking."

"Kay."

"Okay, try talking slowly this time, yeah?" Deidara moaned. "Why the hell are you blocking walking space?"

"There were _people_ in there." She spat.

"And this explains what exactly?"

"And they were doing _things_."

Deidara looked beyond blank. He never thought anyone could be traumatized to hell by people just doing "things" was the world that lazy? Or was she just being retarded, or just plain vague? He rolled his fingers a bit. This was wasting his time. He could have been eating right now, but no, he was stuck dealing with this retarded witch.

"Doing what _kind_ of things, yeah?" He muttered with little enthusiasm. "We aren't going to get anywhere if you just can't tell me what the hell your trip is."

Hidan lingered down the stairs, and Deidara's eyes turned to him. He shook his head.

"Hidan, you're fluent in dumbass."

"What the fuck was that for?" He stopped in his tracks. "Way to already start off a crappy day, Deidara." Somewhere in between the rambling words filled with vulgar terms, Deidara finally managed to force some words in there.

"Do something about this."

Hidan's face twisted from anger to confusion and then back to anger in a matter of two point three milliseconds.

"What the fuck is her problem?"

"I don't know, she's too damned vague, yeah." Deidara's eyes lowered in irritation. "But since the two of you are on the same level maybe you can figure it out."

Hidan let out a groan as he moved in front of the still freaked-out Tayuya. He blinked a moment, it must have been serious because he didn't get the common "Dumbass" or "Shithead" or "cock-sucking asswipe" he was used to these past, and well he forgot the amount of days.

"Hey what the fucks wrong with you?"

"They were doing _things_."

Deidara shook his head. "Told you, yeah."

"What? She means she saw people having sex, she must have changed the channel on the damned TV."

There was pause around the room. Deidara chuckled to himself. "You really are fluent in dumbass!"

"Shut the hell up!" He snapped. He twitched a bit. "So much for damned maturity, she sees one thing and freezes up like a fucking five year old."

He stared at her a moment, then after a few minutes of getting annoyed, hit her across the head. Deidara looked at him as if he was mad, but in the end, perhaps it was for the best.

Tayuya rubbed her head. "What the fuck was that for?!"

"You fucking lost it! Geez, next time check the guide before changing channels!"

"What?" She paused at that. "I wasn't talking about the fucking TV! I was talking about _real life_, _breathing _people!"

"Ouch, somewhere a porno star just felt really empty inside, yeah."

"Hold the fuck up, where was this?"

"Konan's room!"

Deidara and Hidan both froze on and instant, she watched as their faces attempted to hold back the emotion that was so obvious to be: laughter. Deidara lost first.

"What the hell's so funny?" She muttered. "It's just plain disgusting."

"I mean, you couldn't tell, yeah?"

"Tell what?" She thought a bit for a moment, yet the point was unclear, just what mystery could this psychotic assholes be speaking of? Why didn't she know? What else were they keeping from her, her paycheck, her mail, or the unknown location of her old sound uniform? The last one she would really enjoy knowing. "She seems alright to me!"

"Even after going through all the clothes you're still fucking dense."

"Just tell me what the deal is already!"

Deidara shook his head, and simply shrugged, he used hand motions to describe his point in a way that seemed more creepy than helpful in any way.

"You see, Konan is what we men, refer to as 'Fast Food'." Tayuya gave him an odd look. "Its understandable as part of the female species that you may not have heard it, yeah?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

Hidan sniggered a bit. "God, are you just fucking stupid?"

"Shut the hell up! How the fuck am I supposed to know some term you probably just made the hell up on the spot?!"

"Oh it's real, it's real." Deidara smiled. "Just tell me, when you think of McDonalds fast food, what do you think of, yeah?"

"Well it's uh, fast."

"No kidding."

"And it's cheap."

"Keep going, yeah."

"And easy to get?" She guessed randomly.

Somewhere in the world a correct buzzer screamed. Deidara gave her a pat on the shoulder.

"See it wasn't that hard, was it?" He smiled. "Not apply that to a girl."

There was a blank silence, which soon erupted in laughter, as the duo saw Tayuya's face disfigure itself into the ugliest look imaginable by the human mind.

"UGH WHAT THE FUCK?"

An unwanted laugh was heard behind them. Deidara and Hidan silenced and turned.

"Who said you could laugh?"

The laughing Tobi standing secretly behind them silenced his laughter. "Everyone else was doing it, I just wanted to be popular."

"Well don't, yeah."

Tobi slinked off and out of sight with am invisible maniacal twinkle in his eye, since you couldn't see it, you know, due to that mask? Tayuya shivered.

What if she got some kind of disease from wearing this? The last thing she needed was a good case on Gonorrhea or Syphilis. Well this was just great, wasn't it? I mean what possibly could go worse? Their laughing about her clothes, she's dealing with all their asshole personalities, and now she was wearing the clothes of a slut. Could things just get any better?

-

The rest of the sound village losers were the only ones attending the funeral, and people going to other graves would not stop giving them ugly looks.

Kabuto approached the grave.

"You've been a good friend, Kidou." He muttered, "Outside the fact that you more or less were a whiny bitch and an asshole the rest of the time, but hey, who's perfect? Well you definitely weren't, but still…"

The rest of the group was blank, and decided that they would stay silent due to the immense creepy feeling Kabuto was spreading. He then pulled out a red spray can, and sat on his knees.

"I was saving this for Sasuke's funeral, but you earned it man, you earned it!"

Sasuke and the rest of the group frowned, as they watched Kabuto spray-paint the words "Rot in Hell" on poor Kidou's grave.

"I thought you put flowers on people's graves." Sakon raised a hand. Kabuto glared over to him.

"Do I LOOK like I'm made of daisies Sakon?" He muttered. "Now Mourn damn it!"

"Kabuto, you just wrote profanity on his..." Sasuke started.

"Shut your trap and mourn Sasuke!"

"Fine!" Sasuke replied, his voice trailed to a whisper. "_Hard-ass_."

"Mourn!"

* * *

**A/N- Lol the next chapter's gonna have a lot of Tobi in it.** Ah well. 


	17. The Will

**_A/N- This is a little late and it got cut off halfway in case you don't notice that later. Oh well later._**

**_I do not own Naruto. _ **

* * *

**Chapter 17- ****The Will  
**

"Sasuke, leave me alone." Kabuto moaned, rolling over on his sleeping bag. "The last thing I want is to have nightmares about you telling me Itachi stories while dressed in drag."

Kabuto got another shove that pushed him over the curb into a conveniently placed puddle. He got up.

"What the fuck is your problem I said… oh you aren't Sasuke."

He looked up to see a person who resembled an actually useful member of society, though why he was pushing Kabuto and his buddies while they slept by the side of the grocery store at like, three in the morning was a bit confusing.

"Are you a mister..." He checked his list of names. "Kabuto Yakushi?"

Kabuto fondled a bit o his dyed hair. "Uhh no! My name's..er.. Albert!"

"So you aren't the Kabuto mentioned in a Mr. Kidoumaru's will?"

Kabuto's hair stood up at that. What will? Wasn't Kidoumaru broke? Poor? Was that bastard holding out on them this whole time?

"I mean sorry, yes I'm Kabuto Yakushi! By the way, how did our dear, sweet, and beloved Kidoumaru have money?" He muttered, hoping to get his answer. The suited man scrolled his list again.

"Yes well, a few years back his father died and left his fortune to him, but we never found him, and kind of gave up after a year or two…"

"So he was loaded and didn't know it?"

"Well, after searching his possessions, he did have a will of sorts. But it only had one name listed, and she is apparently part f your group?"

_She?__ We don't have a she__oh wait._

"You must mean Sasuke!" Kabuto grinned devilishly, trying as hard as he could to avoid the obvious.

"No, I'm looking for a Miss, Tayuya, I believe."

Kabuto froze. Karma truly was a harsh mistress. This was just wrong, cruel and unjust. Just why the hell would Kidoumaru leave everything he owned to Tayuya of all people? Didn't he hate her? It made no sense! Certainly the bastard must have done this to deride him.

"If I can't get a hold of her it's just going to sit in the safe at the bank..."

"What does that will say?" Kabuto muttered. "What does it say?"

The man held up a copy, Kabuto's face took an ugly shape at what he read.

**I, Kidoumaru, leave anything that my father may leave me to Tayuya of the Sound, despite the fact she was a bitch, she didn't cleave off my arms like Kabuto, and besides, I'm sure he'll probably read this and understand the fact that vengeance is very ****very**** sweet.**

**P. S. Have a nice life without cash Kabuto, ****hahaha**** loser.**

**P.S. S. And that, Sasuke, is how it's done. **

"What the fuck!" Kabuto shouted. "If I go and find her, can we still get the money?"

"Sure. But it expires in two weeks."

"Gotcha."

-

Today was not Akatsuki's greatest moment. The day had started naturally, but somewhere along the lines it had made a horrible turn for the worst. Tayuya grimaced as she stared at the door now blocking her path to the outside hallways, and presently, somewhere away from the countless panicking men assorted around her. She had constantly suggested someone just blow a hole in the wall, but they would either ignore her entirely, or simply find some pathetically uncreative excuse not to do such.

One may ask, or at least wonder to themselves, why she was trapped in here? Twist of fate, plot device, or maybe the door lock was broken? If you thought any of the following, congratulations, because you were wrong, and your feeble attempts amuse me to no end. (Derisive laughing.) Well aside from foolishness and the fact that I'm a total bitch, the truth of the matter was, it was evil that trapped them in that damned room of Hidan's, and don't mistake that for the evil of their leader, no it was evil far more vile, repulsive, and well, _stupid_. A much more stupid evil, for this my friends was the evil of the semi-retarded, impulse driven, and overly anti-intellectual creature known to the organization as "Tobi". Until now, the beast had been considered tame, and virtually harmless to the others around him with the exception of the common migraines, but little did the group no of his diabolical plot, put hastily together in a span of three minutes and forty two seconds.

As fate would have it, a large amount of them fell for the trick. It made them almost doubt their common sense as criminals, he had simply walked up to every single one of them separately, and told them to go, and what did they do? They _went._Never trust a guy wearing a mask and who watches Saturday morning cartoons.

The current situation was the following. Deidara was standing directly in front of her, banging his hand repeatedly on the door, shouting absurdities and curses to be released from the room. She turned her head to see Kisame in the position of almost crying under a statement about how he wanted to "see his wife" and how he "wanted a glass of water more than anything".

Hidan stood in the corner, talking to himself like some deranged mental patient, he gave a glance to her, snapped a few angry comments, and went back on his cursing spree as Kakuzu laughed at him for a moment, only to swiftly fall into silence upon reminding himself he was in trapped along with them.

"Tobi, I'm warning you, yeah." Deidara growled, stopping his fist from hitting the door again for about the eightieth time. "Let me out now."

"NO!"

"Tobi… when I get out of this room, I'm swear I'm going to shove that mask of yours so far up your ass you'll cough it back up!" There was a pause from Tobi on the other side of the door, which after too long was once again broken by a repeated, childish response of "NO!" Deidara wasn't a happy person at the moment and this was obvious. "Open this door you bastard! I'm gonna kill you for this, hear me!"He wasn't getting anywhere at all.

"Why can't we just blow a hole in the wall?" Tayuya complained rather loudly. "It'd be quick and easy. Just blow the whole damned thing to shit!"

The way Hidan looked at her made her feel as if the thought was nothing more than a moment of babbling, nonsensical crap.

"We aren't ruining my room; I'll die before that happens!"

"Just _rebuild_ it!"

"That's your damned idea? Little girl says just _rebuild_ it!"

"Well we rebuilt the other one!"

Deidara turned over to them for a second. "In case you don't remember, I did all the work, yeah."

"See, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't rebuild mine, because he's not deathly afraid of me like he is of Itachi."

Deidara rolled his eyes and went back to his door. He paused before starting to scream at Tobi again. _Who's afraid, I'm not afraid of that red-eyed freak. Where does he get off? That's stupid I am so not afraid…_

"What's going on here?"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!" Deidara shouted at the top of his lungs as he leapt up after hearing the sound of Itachi's voice. There was a silence on both sides of the door in response. Deidara's face turned a bit red. "I…must have dozed off, weird dream…yeah."

"You're a fucking liar Deidre."

"And you're a bitch so I guess we're even, hm?" Deidara muttered. He turned back to the door just as Kisame pushed him to the side. Hidan chuckled to himself, he elbowed Tayuya.

"I told you he was a chicken shit. Just hearing Itachi's voice almost made him shit his pants."

"You know I'm right here, yeah?"

"And your point?" Tayuya grinned over to him evilly, only for Deidara to silence.

"Never mind then." He growled. "Since when did you two get so damned friendly?"

Kisame beat on the door not too unlike Deidara, just in more of a desperate attempt then in pure rage.

"Itachi! Tobi locked us in, let us out!"

There was no reply from the other side of the door. Kisame tried again. "Come on, I'm your partner, just kick Tobi aside and open the door! Come on!"

There was another silence, however after so long; they got a very heartbreaking response.

"It's not my problem." Itachi muttered. "It's more enjoyable with the rest of you gone anyways."

"Excuse me?" Kisame raised his voice, which wasn't exactly a common thing around the building. "What do you mean it's not your problem? You son of a bitch… let me out of here right now before I…"

It drained out, somewhere in the midst of it all; Kisame was warping into some strange mixture of Hidan and Deidara. Temper tantrums and things of the like. Tayuya sat on the bed, bored out of her mind. What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon. She averted her eyes from the light gleaming out from the window above the bed. It was too bright for its own good. Then it hit her, the window, glorious window, wonderful window, and path to freedom. She jumped up,

"That's the ticket!" She cheered, causing the group to turn to her. She pointed up. "Someone can crawl out the window!"

There was silence, and then a moan filled the area of the room.

"We can't fit through that thing, it's tiny." Hidan moaned. "What do I look like a fucking cat?"

"I'd have a better chance walking through a desert coated in tanning oil." Kisame muttered in aggravation. "Forget it."

"I'm counting my pocket change."

Tayuya sighed, at least one person had no complaints, and that was the transvestite, out of all the people, the gender-confused blonde was the only to keep silent? Then in a moment, she understood why. Deidara grinned evilly. Tayuya muttered curses at her own stupidity for allowing the following to happen.

"Of course a bunch of full grown men like us couldn't dream of fitting through a little window like that, yeah?" There was a hint of malice in his voice, how could she not see this coming? "Of course, I'm sure something like; a young girl could ever so easily squeeze through, eh boys?"

"I'm not getting you." Kisame muttered. "Where the hell are we gonna get one of those?" Deidara stared at him in the very way he deserved. He cleared his throat and pointed lightly over at the now traumatized Tayuya.

"Kisame what is that there?"

"That girl."

"And what sex is she?"

"Seme?"

"Try again."

"Uh, female?"

"Correct, now shutup and help me stuff her through the window, yeah?"

Tayuya backed up a bit at this, "Whoa whoa whoa, if I'm going, I'm doing it by fucking self, alright?" Hidan shrugged at this, "I think it's less fun that way."

"Well fuck what you think is fun, alright?"

She jumped on the tip of Hidan's bed and tried to force her legs up to the window, while trying to keep it tipped open at the same time. After a few minutes of attempts, she tripped, fell, and busted her face on the windowsill before hitting the bed again. There was a nearly silent array of chuckles across the room, but the silenced after she lifted up her head and wiped the blood of her face. She looked up. Why did this seem impossible?

She tried again, resulting in the same answer as the last time, except this time her head hit the wooden bed frame going down instead of just the windowsill, and the chuckles became less of chuckles and evolved into full blown ridiculous laughter.

She hated to admit it; she was going to need some assistance here.

She turned, "Can someone give me a boost?"

Another silence slipped over them. The men of the room exchanged looks with the exception of the preoccupied Kakuzu in the corner. Then Deidara coughed.

"Hidan, may you do the honors?"

Hidan turned, "Why don't you fucking do it?"

Kisame gave off another bizarre glance, "You want some other guy touching her ass?"

"No one is going to touch my ass!" Tayuya roared, turning off the conversation momentarily. "I want a _boost_, that doesn't mean you grab my ass, pick me up by the side!"

Once again, the males silenced. "Well that just takes all the fun out of it."

She growled curses to herself, maybe they were never going to get out of here. What is it with these lowlifes? Unless it involves the words Ass, Boobs, or chicks, they were uninterested. She gave a sigh, there was only one way to get out of this, wasn't there? A personal sacrifice of her pride as a part of the female race.

She took in a breath,

May god have mercy on her soul.


	18. Everyone Hates Moral Dilemma

**A/N- Once again sorry this took so long. Ive been working on some of my other stories lately. Since after I finish this one, and "The Prodigy of Uchiha" I'm going to take a little break time form Naruto stories. I'm still deciding on what I'm going to write for but It'll probably be for either Tales of Symphonia or Final Fantasy. Woot. I gave you all a present in this chapter just because it's been majorly requested for me to do so. Hooray for not so subtle hints. in fact they're rather blatant if you ask me.**

**Oh well. I do not own Naruto. Cheerios.**

_**

* * *

**_

Chapter 18 – Death to moral dilemma

She sighed, and turned to Hidan. "Fine, give me a boost." She moaned, admitting her defeat, and very much expecting the groups of them to laugh at her misery. However, Tayuya only heard chuckles from the others, and Hidan simply turned his head away. She frowned. "You awake in there, dumbass?"

"Get Deidara or Kisame to do it." He snapped, "Didn't you just say you didn't want my fucking help?"

Over to the side, Deidara gave off an uninterested look, and Kisame merely remarked with a "Don't think so". She frowned deeper, she sucks up her pride and then they lose interest like the bastards they were. She ground her teeth. Paused, and tried for her plan B. As she had said before, there are very few things that catch a guy's interest when it comes to girls, and when she examined this list, she realized she had about none of them. She could always stay in this room forever…

No. That was unacceptable. Sick, disturbing and wrong, how dare her mind think of something like that. There was one solution to her problem, as she understood how impossible it was to get through said window on her own. She sighed. To get anyone's attention there was simply one thing she must do.

She would have to fake it, fake the stupid innocent charm which she so lacked in every way. She thought back to those soap operas Kabuto would watch sometimes. God knows it was probably the only useful thing Kabuto had ever done for her. At least that damned outfit she was wearing would come to some use. That damned short cut black shirt and shorts; she sighed, and pushed her bangs back.

She pulled herself off the bed and stood in front of Hidan, since had always considered him to be the most perverted anyways. In retrospect, she considered maybe it could turn out for the worst, but if it could get her out of the room for just a bit… maybe it could be somewhat worth it.

"Please?" She muttered, trying hard to put on the most innocent accent she could, and as she listened, it seemed to do nothing but make her sound weird. Her voice used to talking deeper than that. Oh by the way folks, the shojo eyes are not your friend, they hurt to try. I mean, think how hard it is to make your eyes grow half the size of your head, how is this cute? Wouldn't that be a little odd-looking? Oh, sorry little off topic there for a second.

Hidan frowned a bit, perhaps catching on already that she was trying to exploit him. She had always thought he was too dense for that, but who could be sure? So for a moment it was filled with awkward sharing. She grit her teeth silently again. Another shot might do it. She remembered what Kin used to say about guys, flatter them and they'll do anything. They were all egotists so she said. "I mean I can't do it myself, and you don't want me to get hurt, do you?" Another pause went around the room, Deidara chuckled to himself in the corner, being the most intelligent perhaps. "I'm sure that you can help us all out with your…" She paused, repressed the will to vomit, and made up a comment. "Big… strong arms?"

_The more I talk like this…who am I kidding I already feel sick! _Her eye twitched a little, and even more when she noticed Kisame raise his hand. _Great. What's this asstard have to say?_

"I'll do it." He announced, and the other eyes in the room shot over, these eyes including Hidan's.

"I don't fucking think so Fish man." He mumbled. Kisame silenced. "Besides she asked me first."

Tayuya paused. He didn't see through it anyways. Even blatant out of character moments could fool his dumb self. She sighed; it was best to get this over with. He stood up off the floor,

"Fine lets just get this over with." He moaned, as if it were some great annoyance. "I' sick of being stuck in here with you assholes anyways."

Tayuya jumped back on the bed without a word, until he paused for a bit too long. She grumbled under her breath things that she wasn't sure if he could hear or not. His eyes moved to the sides, showing a mixture of aggravation and anxiousness. She twisted her foot in the sheets and blankets. "Hurry up!" She said, making sure he could hear that. Hoping he would suddenly change his mind. "You want the hell out of here or not?"

She gave up. Being innocent just wasn't for her, and apparently he failed to care anymore, as he let out a growl of "I'm coming, hold your damn horses."

He grabbed her by the sides and she took that as a winning goal, amazed it lacked the perversion she so expected by this moment. After he lifted her high up enough she got a steady grip on the window enough to slide through and get a firm grasp.

"Okay, I've got it!" She shouted back, she heard some sort of rumble back in the room, but she could really care less. She took a breath, and looked down, then froze. Somehow she failed to remember she was on the second floor of the building. She could understand a few things on how this exactly could be a problem.

Observation 1: She was in a bad position to jump.

Observation 2: There were several trees that she was likely to crash into.

Observation 3: Trees hurt when you make direct hits from above.

Conclusion: This was going to hurt like a bitch and she was probably likely to break her ankle.

Observation 4: She needed legs for walking, running, and other activities in which they were useful.

Observation 5: There were no hospitals she was capable of going to.

Observation 6: No one here probably had a medical license.

Conclusion: She was going to die of a hemorrhage.

She sighed, at what "great" ideas she came up with. She sighed again.

"I changed my mind, suddenly a few weeks starving to death doesn't seem like such a bad fucking idea!"

No reply came from the inside. She shivered. "HELLO?!"

"Are any of you still fucking alive?!"

Ignored, she sighed, and once again gave up any hope of living at all. She pulled the rest of her body through; maybe she could get a balance on that tiny windowsill well enough to…

Access denied. The moment she tested it, of course, she lost balance and was sent flying off the windowsill much like a rock being thrown outside of the window itself. There was only one hope for her to land properly, or only break less important limbs, preferably the arm, since she didn't need it for escaping but then again she needed it for jutsu. On her second decision, she took the legs anyways, focusing the landing on her legs. She managed to avoid the trees at least, and hit the ground with a loud "thud".

She glanced at her left leg. It wasn't black, bleeding. But not black. She frowned and her eyebrows twitched with her anger. It hurt indeed, but she supposed it was better than broken.

"You still alive down there, hm?" She heard Deidara shout out through the window. She sighed.

"Shut the hell up!" She shouted back up. "Of course I'm still alive asshole!"

"Just curious!"

-

Tayuya paused for a moment, understanding where she was. Outside, with every one of those Akatsuki bastards trapped inside. She smiled; this just might be her big break. She could not deny it was miserable, and infuriating for every second she was with them. They were morons the whole lot of them, and it wasn't as if they would go after her if she just vanished. Besides, they were trapped in that room, and they weren't breaking out any time soon.

They would perhaps let themselves die in there, how fun. After all they were relying on her to let them out. She could just leave…

She turned in the opposite way of the hideout. Who cared about the money anymore anyways?

It was torture to be there. She started off and froze a moment.

Then sighed. _I hate moral dilemmas. _

_Doesn't matter, they're villains; no one cares if villains rot and die. That's why they're there. They exist only to create conflict with the protagonists so therefore the plot has purpose to move on. So therefore, _

_they have no purpose at all. _Somehow Tayuya managed to skip over the fact that she was indeed a villain herself. She started off again. _BE QUIET CONSCIENCE! No one asked you! _After a bit more of internal conflict necessary to every story she sighed.

_I REALLY hate moral dilemmas…_

_-_

"Have you ever gotten the feeling that you've probably just been completely fucking ditched?" Hidan muttered. "She's taking way too fucking long to get back."

"Aww, worried, Hidan, hmm?"

"Deidara…" Hidan muttered quietly, and then raised his voice for the next statement. "Shut the fuck up!"

Deidara merely chuckled at this, and with a smile, went on.

"Oh alas my one true love has left me behind!" He shouted in fake anguish, obviously trying all he could to infuriate Hidan. "Oh Sadness! Oh Despair! Oh Angst and sorrow!"

"DEIDARA SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"I still wonder how you bought in that little innocent act of hers, hm?" He chuckled, simply never getting too much delight out of this. "Surely Hidan has lost all confidence as a man, hmm?"

Hidan twitched and said nothing. "As if I was even fucking interested," He murmured, "I just want out of here."

"Fine say what you will, yeah?" He smiled devilishly. "She's probably long gone by now anyways, I wouldn't doubt."

Hidan looked over to his side, facing Deidara with a harsh scowl.

"Have you ever considered that you may be getting a bit too much fucking enjoyment out of this?"

Deidara raised a finger, still smiling. "Schadenfreude." He chuckled. "Besides, you make it far too easy, yeah?"

Hidan wouldn't pretend to know what that word meant, but it seemed to only increase his foul mood. He knew few things, and most of them involved a set number of people dying horrible terrible deaths soon. If he had to blow a hole in his wall eventually, she was definitely dying for it. He noticed Deidara must have had enough fun with him, because the wonderful silence had returned, Or knowing Deidara he was just lacking new material.

-

Every step came with another wonderful, painful present of its own, as for people who have had leg wounds before, going up stairs begins to sound less like footsteps, and goes more to the tune of: "ow, step ow, step ow, step, ow, step, SON OF A BITCH THAT HURTS, step." and so on and so forth until people start looking at you and you say it in your mind to prevent any further embarrassment than falling out of a window.

What a surprise that Tobi wasn't even there anymore. He had probably went and gotten food or something, knowing what idiocy it was that all the doors in the hideout had locks that lock from the outside. She moaned knowing it still wasn't too late to ditch them; she could still turn around and never come back. She gave one more thought to it and unlocked the door, and slid it open.

_Stupid moral Dilemmas._

* * *

**A/N- and for those who don't know, Schadenfreude means "taking joy out of others misery."**


	19. Arrangements

**A/N- Rofl. Wow. Two Words: Vacations Suck. And I will apologize for this chapter beforehand because I'm mainly trying to get my feel back. And the Tobi thing was verrrry much on purpose. XD**

**I do not own Naruto. Big shock there.**

* * *

**Chapter 19- Arrangements**

Tayuya was unsure as to why it seemed to take several months to open a door, and why it was seriously taking up as much time to open as Dragonball Z takes up episodes with screaming. She shrugged, and pushed it open. Who cared?

It seemed like the moment it creaked about halfway open that the roar flew over, and the floor shook her (very painfully) to her feet. She glared up, and rage may or may not have taken over again. They had pushed her out the window, she injured her legs, and she fell from the high floor. Then they have the _nerve_… they refuse to blow the hole in the wall until –after- she suffers so? They're heads twisted over suddenly. There was little reaction from Deidara, Kisame, or Kakuzu, they just shrugged at this, and she just stared blankly. As her eyes gained the ability to change position, she recognized the same expression on Hidan's face as well.

"Oh, I guess she didn't run away after all, hm?" Deidara muttered, apathetically. "Oh well, so much for the hole in the wall idea."

Hidan and Tayuya said nothing.

They started to pile out of the room, blatantly ignoring the fact they had now broken a hole in the wall like they had themselves come up with the idea.

"You…blew…a hole in the wall." Tayuya mumbled. "You blew a fucking hole in the wall."

"I know, it was my idea, yeah?" Deidara smiled as he turned around to her. "Pretty brilliant for the time being, if I do say so, hmm?"

_Brilliant, he says! Yeah, real damned brilliant. _Tayuya glared at him. "I hate you, Deidre." She growled. "Go die in a fire."

"Yeah, I know." He smiled. Deidara was the smarter of them, and she knew it. Oh she knew what a ploy was when she saw it. He planned this from the start, she bet. At that moment, she swore revenge for her legs, and for ever listening to that blonde she-male's ideas to begin with. What the hell was she thinking? "Next time I'll just leave your feminine ass in the room then, shithead!" She shouted out at him as he walked down the halls, stretching his arms. She knew she was ignored. It didn't much matter. Hidan was still in his little daze in his room. Standing up to the left of his bed he just stared as blankly as a person possibly could. Who knew he was capable of focusing on something? Even if trauma-induced.

She rolled her eyes. "Are you going to start cleaning or are you gonna just sit there and stare out your new window for a few hours?" At least it managed to catch his attention a small bit. He glared over. "What?"

"This is _you're_ fucking fault."

"How the hell is this my fault?"

"Because you had to show up too late."

"Hey you try walking when you crack your legs, asshole."

"I have. Don't be such a sissy."

Silence came over them, and the two of them glanced back at the hole again. Looks like they would have to find somewhere new to crash or fix it. Tayuya nodded. She would choose somewhere else over actually having to do something. Then again she had been through this before. But there was a new option! There was a girl in the building after all! In retrospect, Tayuya could see this as better than it first appeared. Hidan glared over to her.

"What the hell are you smiling at?" He snapped. Her bright demeanor faded in the flash of an instant. "So you fucking enjoy the idea that we now have a hole in the wall?"

She paused, shrugged and decided to be honest. "Yep."

-

The forest was not a comfortable place to be stumbling through that day. It had began raining and Kabuto and company found themselves in a very irritating position, as they had no umbrellas, and it appeared as if they had been lost about as one could possibly manage to be lost.

"_Kabuto_," Sasuke growled coldly. "Where the hell are we?"

Kabuto said nothing back. He just continued wandering forward, pretending not to hear any cries of defeat or anger from the others. It was better that way, or rather, less annoying. It's not like he didn't know that they were lost or rather that he had made them lost or the fact that he had refused them the rights to bring food on the grounds that it was too heavy. It happens, what could you do? Certainly they would run into the headquarters…someday.

"_KABUTO_." Sasuke again, Kabuto rolled his eyes, and kept moving. A few minutes later, Sasuke only repeated himself. It went on for about ten more minutes until Kabuto stopped in place.

"What? What do you want?" Kabuto snapped. "If you're going to ask the same thing again; I don't know and I'm not sure, so shut up." He breathed in. "So what else do you want to know? My shoe size? SAT score? What Sasuke, what?"

Sasuke blinked and stared at Kabuto a moment, and was joined by the rest of their group.

"Nothing, Never mind."

"Kabuto didn't you use to work for Akatsuki?" Sakon moaned. Kabuto sighed at the fact that at least it wasn't Sasuke. "So how come we're out wandering the forest aimlessly like a bunch of idiots?"

"It's been awhile, okay?" Kabuto replied. "And it's a top secret place; it's supposed to be well hidden. It's not like a sign is just going to rise out of the ground and declare "Top Secret Akatsuki Headquarters, please watch for our S rank criminals!" geez."

"Kabuto."

"Shut up Sasuke."

"But, Kabuto…" Sasuke wasn't listening. "It's important."

"I don't care. It's not important."

"It _is_."

Kabuto shook his head. "Fine, what is it?!"

Kabuto looked at the paper Sasuke held up, and that was now constantly getting wet. However one thing caught his eye. He twitched once. The universe hated him more than anyone, he assumed.

"It's marked on the map." Sasuke muttered.

There was a small yellow mark labeled, "you are here" sloppily, and on further examination, he looked at a large area north with a red "x" labeled across it. Kabuto paused. It was labeled

_**Akatsuki Hideout.**_

But one does not admit defeat to one like Sasuke.

"Sasuke, why the hell didn't you tell me this earlier?" He snapped.

"You kept telling me to—"

"Shut up." Kabuto snapped. "We're going, now come on."

Sasuke shrugged, and put the map back in his coat. _Asshole._

-

Deidara had the TV turned up all the way to ignore the bickering. It was unusually louder than usual, and it had begun to spur quite the headache. Watching romantic old soap operas was a much greater option than listening a mass of cursing and anger for a few hours, was it not? Oh how he longed it would be like those cheesy romances, the two people who hate each other get together and all the fighting ceases.

However, Deidara at the moment understood the difference between reality and bad acting. He sighed in relief once he heard the feet coming angrily down the steps, pounding down as hard as possible, and followed by a river of ows and damns. The girl, of course, was storming down and into the kitchen. Deidara could only shrug. But it was obvious what she was intending.

_Just sit back and pretend it's all nice and quiet, Deidara. Yeah? It's all peaceful and cheerful and everyone's having such a __**brilliant **__time. _

-

Tayuya had stormed into the room in the kitchen, and Konan barely looked up at this. Her eyes focused on a book in her hand. Tayuya turned her head, looked over to Konan and announced simply.

"I'm crashing here."

"Okay then." Konan yawned. "Whatever."

-

Hidan came down next, however Deidara knew he wouldn't get away as easily he had with the girl.

"I can't believe that bitch!" He snapped, pacing back and forth like he was seriously distraught. "Causing that hole in my wall, and insulting me, and complaining all the damn time, who the hell does she think she is around here?"

_Yes because you certainly never complain, do you Hidan? Hmm?_

"And then she has the nerve to talk down to me? What the fuck?"

Deidara rolled his eyes, this was getting irritating fast. "I'm getting something to eat, yeah?" An excuse and truth at the same time, ah that statement was quite the double positive. But no good things ever last for Deidara, not now and not ever, he considered it his curse of sorts. He slid into the kitchen blissfully, ignoring all the things in the room around him. He opened the refrigerator before he was shocked to the point of a near heart attack.

"Hi Sempai!" It wasn't as loud as he was used to, however it was one person who by no means should be near him at this current time. Tobi, Tobi the idiot and dead man walking. He hadn't shown his face yet again for about an hour after they escaped being locked in Hidan's room. He growled, and the fridge was slammed.

"You are dead." He growled. "That's it, you're dead, yeah?"

Tobi waved his arms in the air to show he actually had something to say. It was different from his typical way of just blurting it out. Deidara paused. It should at least be mildly amusing to hear the miserable excuse he could give.

"I only played a little joke, it's not a big deal!"

Deidara's face shifted. "Excuse me?"

"You guys are just too sensitive."

Deidara paused again. "What's wrong with you, yeah?"

"Huh?"

"You're talking in complete sentences." Deidara pointed out. "And your voice is different. So you got a new voice actor? How does that make you talk less stupid?"

Tobi paused and shuddered. Tobi never paused, and never shuddered.

"What the hell did you do with the real Tobi and who are you, yeah?"

Another long pause, this creature calling himself Tobi chuckled lightly. "I am Tobi! Uhh…uhh…." He ravaged through his belongings for some sort of material to work off of. He pulled a picture of Rin from his pocket and held it up. "I LOVE RIN….Uhh…umm….YAY!"

Deidara had no comment for this, and was lost beyond all reason. He moaned. "Good enough."

"Phew."

"Now back to the killing, hm?"

Tobi seemed to panic at this. "Wait wait! Not so fast!!"

Deidara sighed, another interruption.

"What if..." He found a way to warp his words to sound slightly more stupid. "Tobi can solve all your problems!"

_Never listen to Tobi. Why did he listen to the idiot of all people? It was about time for Satan to check his thermostat._


End file.
